We are fast approaching the two month celebration of Elliana's birth. Oh what a ride it has been! She has molded seamlessly into our family and no one has missed a beat. Just like with our sons, our family was missing this one last piece and we are so happy she is here with us.

Adoption has made such a difference in our lives. The people who's stories we have gotten to hear that we might have missed have blessed us in so many ways. Our friends and family who have opened their arms and hearts for our child have never ceased to amaze us. We are reminded how great our God is every single day.

Even in the heart of our happiness when people read my blog, total strangers who take one excerpt and think they know me and then bash me on wanting to raise a daughter. Informing me that she may not like bows and tea parties and frilly things. I just listen. For in my head, I hear my mother laughing at them because I totally know about tomboys. I was one. I am fully aware that our daughter may not like dolls. That she may prefer her brother's army men. That she may not want a tea party (although I did pay tea parties many times with my boy children). And that she may not like dresses or girly things. That's ok with me.

I wanted the experience of raising a daughter. In whatever package she came in. Just the same as my boys. My children have come to me to be unfolded, not molded. But, as with my boys, I will dress her in frilly things until she says no. I will put a bow on her head until she says stop. Just like I dressed my little guys in smocked clothes and john boy jumpers until the ease of using the potty became more important.

I am not a fool to think that Elliana will be this super girl. I am not a fool to think that she will never get dirty, never run through my house, never shout or burp louder than her brothers. That she will not dig up worms, enjoy to go fishing, or even like boys. I will love her no matter what. That is the joy in parenting, for us. We receive these little blessings from heaven and we nurture and love them until God calls us or them home.

But for now, I admit, I am loving the frills. The pink. The flowers. The chandelier in her room (which is painted green by the way, not pink). I am enjoying putting bows on her that are bigger than her head. Just as I enjoy nursing her, snuggling her, reading to her, rocking her, holding her close to my heart, and telling her stories of the night I met her in a hospital far away from home.

For almost two months I have stared at this face that is embedded in my heart. I have watched her brothers feed her. I have watched her nap on the couch snuggled up in her father's arms. I have seen her Aunt kiss her tiny face and count her precious toes. I have watched as each morning three boys trapse in our bedroom to seek our her smiles. To wish her good morning. To hug her goodnight. To remember her birthmother and family in their prayers.

People can say what they want. They will anyway. I don't mind. I've waited ten years to have a girl child in my home. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy every minute of it. Just like I did with her brothers. Because we love them all. No matter what.

The unknown

The middle part of our journey was almost the most painful part. To leave the hospital with an infant that is yours in your heart but not legally is almost gut wrenching. Although we were considered Elliana's guardians, we knew she was not yet ours. One more hurdle needed to be jumped and as we got closer to it, our faith was tested once again.

We took Elliana to the hotel with us on Tuesday. Stopping earlier that morning to buy her a car seat and stroller and some essentials, it still did not click with us that we would be bringing her home. The birthmother was not medically discharged, and we had paperwork that needed to be signed. Tuesday night was restless with me up ever hour and a half to nurse or bottle feed this child of my heart. Wednesday dawned and we found out that our birth mom would be discharged that day. We wandered the streets of Balboa Island, shopping and talking around the topic foremost in our minds.

Everyone had a comment about our sweet baby. It was wonderful to see that everyone could see the angel that she is, but we took their congrats with an ounce of pain. She was not yet truly ours. Later at the hotel we found out that the mom did not sign at discharge, did not want to sign the next day but may be available to sign on Friday. I fell completely apart. Dave fell completely apart. We could still not fully exhale. Through my tears I called our worker. As tears streamed down, I prayed. Dave knelt with our heart child in his arms and prayed. In my heart of hearts I knew that God did not bring us to this child to take her away. "He brought you to this, He will get you through this." I kept hearing that mantra in my head. Placing my faith back to God, I took a deep breath and told Dave. "She is ours. This is just a hoop. We have jumped hoops all the time through this. God will see us through." Then the phone rang.

It was our caseworker explaining that our birthmom was too tired to sign today, I completely understood. She had just had major surgery. She did not want to sign on Thursday because our worker had a dr's appt and could not be there, and she wanted her with her. So she said she would meet and sign on Friday at 11:30. Then later it changed to 3:00 due to witness complications.

Dave left on Thursday. It was hard on both of us knowing the unknown could still happen, but grabbing ahold of our faith with both hands, we went on. I muddled through the day on my own. Friday dawned with a few hopeful tears and many prayers from around the world. Never have I been so humbled than by the prayers that poured in for us and our daughter. Friends, patients, aquantances, family, everyone seemed to have us on their mind and bringing our daughter home on their hearts. And many prayers for a young woman who was giving the biggest sacrifice of all. I hope to always remember that feeling of being surrounded by prayer. Circles and circles surrounded us, protected us.

I took Elliana to the Adoption Agency and met the men and women behind the scenes. Such a precious moment as the reassured me all was going as planned and soon, she would truly be ours. Back at the hotel, I took Elliana for a walk along the bay around the time that our birthmother would be signing.

As we were leaving the hotel a woman stopped me. "Oh, your baby is beautiful! How old is she?" "Six days." "Wow~! You look great! How are you feeling?" "Emotional. We are adopting her and the birthmother will be signing paperwork soon." The woman made the sign of a cross over Elliana and I. With a smile she said.."Never fear, that paperwork will be signed. This baby is your daughter. May God always Bless her, and you." A calm came over me. Another sign. Thank you, God!

As Elliana and I walked along the bay waiting for the call that all was complete, I thought back upon the journey that got us to that day. How in early September of 2011 Dave brought up adopting. Out of the blue. We had our phone consult a few weeks later. Then bought a van. Then signed on. Our profiles went live mid October, weeks before projected. Our home study started Nov 4 and was completed in less than 5 weeks. Beyond quick. We were officially just waiting by December. Pass along cards went out in January. We were matched with our birthmom on my birthday, Feb 1, 2012. Our daughter was born on Feb 19, 2012. Papers were signed Feb 24, 2012. I brought our daughter home to complete our family Feb 29, 2012. An emotional roller coaster for such a short paper pregnancy.

As you know, our paperwork was signed. Communication guidelines were set, ICPC paperwork was sent out, and we were finally able to come home. To our boys. To be a complete family once again. Our missing link was found and brought to us by God. Every step of the way I was reminded that when I truly let go, and let God, amazing things happen. Once again, I was thankful to walk out on that limb of faith and to wait for the blessing God would bestow upon us. Elliana Marie....The Lord has responded......

So many emotions go into this adoption journey. Almost 2 weeks ago we frantically made our way to California to meet our new daughter. She was born my c-section in the late hours of Sunday night and I fought my way to her almost all day Monday. After weeks of waiting, planning, making sure the boys were well taken care of and people were lined up to do my Mommy duties, the time was here! It was nothing like the movies protray. Once I finally made it to Orange County Airport, waited in line for a rental car, rushed to the hotel (that I could not find and drove around forever to locate), and finally made it to the hospital, I was not allowed to see my baby. Oh, I could look through the glass window to the next room and see her pink and blue hat, but I could not get in there with her! After 30 minutes of talking to the charge nurse (who was Asian with a thick accent I could barely understand and very rule bound, she only showed a slip of her hard core nursing facade when I cried that all I wanted was MY BABY!) and hunting down someone in administration, the "adoptive mom" was finally able to get a band to see the baby! On my way to the nursery, I was told that Dave would not be able to have a band or see his daughter. He would have to stand outside the glass window and gaze at her that way. Only the bio mom, me, and bio grandma could have bands. Not the Dad? I threw a complete meltdown fit. The charge nurse was unmoved...the administrator was. Thankfully. Dave would not get a band, but he would be able to see her, and the next day we could be given a room so he could be with her. Tears are good.

I was so worried to see her. What would I think? I've had three children so I knew kinda what to expect, but this was not a child I felt move in my belly. This was not a child that I bonded to through dreams as I rested my hand upon my swollen body. What would I feel? Anything? The moment I picked her up and she snuggled into my shoulder, I knew this was my child. The child of my heart. As I gazed down upon her sweet face, she was looking up at me. It took me 18 hours to get to her side. Rocking her, feeding her, and checking out her fingers and toes, I knew this little girl and I would have quite a journey ahead of us. I didn't love her because I had to. I loved her because I knew God had hand picked her for us. He knew what my heart needed and this sweet 6lb 10oz dark headed angel just fit into that slot in my heart that had been empty. Finally.

Through that night and the next day Dave and I were able to meet with Elliana's birthmom. We were able to ask questions, get a feel for her heart, and she was able to rest easy knowing that we would love our daughter through thick or thin. One thing that broke my heart and showed the innocence of her youth is that she could not understand why it took me so long to get to the baby's side. She thought that we may have changed our minds and no longer wanted her. After I explained my crazy day of leaving my boys, driving to the airport, two flights, one long layover, dashing for the car, the room, the hospital...I got there as quickly as I could from Illinois to California. She smiled, deeply sighed, and we talked of other things.

I want Elliana to know that her mother was very sad to let her go. That she loved her the only way she knew how. She tried to take good care of her while she was in her belly. Truly, I believe she did the best she could. Sometimes there are things and people in our lives that help us make wrong decisions. Elliana's mom gave us one of the 4 greatest gifts in our lives. We are eternally grateful to her and will always let Elliana know that as well.

Dave did get to hold his daughter that night. He loved her right away. I think in his heart, he knew that things had gone so well for us, that this child was our destiny. We were able to have a room to bond with her more as we went through the discharge information. And finally, I was put into a wheelchair and taken out of the hospital. I entered empty wombed and empty armed. I left with a daughter and a full heart. Sometimes life surprises me.

I will always be MotheringBoys

I've had a few people ask me how my other boy moms have responded to us adopting a girl. How I will no longer be "MotheringBoys" and how this effects those who have followed me through my journey in gender disappointment and raising of my cherished children. It kind of made me stop in my tracks to think. What do those who have turned to me (and others) in their hour of need think? Have I disappointed them more by pursuing this dream? Do they think I did not mean the things I said?

After much pondering and seeing discussions on various boards with my all boy mommy friends, and my friends who have walked the disappointment with me, I have come to the conclusion that no one begrudges me the fact that our dream may soon come true.

See, those of us with one gender families who always wished for a child of the opposite gender have a special bond. We never once say how we feel goes away. Yes, we learn to live the good life with all of our children because from the beginning, we know it isn't about that child, its the dream in our mind's eye. We endure the taunts. We see the pity in other people's eyes because we are "less than." To those who do not experience gender disappointment, they will not get what I am saying. But my dear friends who do, you know this is for you.

I never said I let go of the dream of having a daughter in my life. I never said I was over the fact I would never have an adult relationship with a child of my own. I never said that I had totally let go of my GD.

But I have said how wonderful my life is with my three little men. I have said how I have learned to appreciate where I am in life, to find joy and interact with my children because I don't know how long I hold their hands. I have found cute ways to dress my boys, relate to my boys, to wholeheartedly accept and love my boys. But, I have never let go of my daughter dream.

And I think in there lies the difference. People who know me in real life or have been my online friend for years know that this struggle has always layed in my heart. They know that given the chance to have a daughter in my life, I would have taken it (and I have!). They know I have reached out to young girls in our community to mentor them. The know I never said the desire had gone away.

In ALTERED DREAMS, my story is out there. Other people's stories are out there. We wanted to bring to the public awarenss that these feelings are normal and ok. And we did. While holding hands with each other. Along this route in my life, I have met such amazing, strong, loving men and women. I have sang with joy with them over new births, new homes, continued education. I have cried with them over lost pregnancies, divorce, financial issues, and depression.

When I look beside me to see if anyone is angry with me, do you know what I see? Total joy. Some jealousy, of course, I would feel that way if it were one of my other friends as well. But when I look around at the faces, when I hear the voices on the phone, when I see their writing to me on my blog, in emails, on BBC, or Facebook, I see joy. Because in our little community where no one wants to be, someone is getting their dream.

So no, no one has pointed their finger at me and called me a hypocrite. No one has told me I do not deserve to hold Elliana because I am to be the poster child of gender disappointment forever. On the contrary, Elliana has a slew of adopted Aunts, Uncles, and cousins that have prayed for her arrival into our lives. Who have prayed for this road we are on. Who continue to pray through this final stretch to bring her to us.

When I look around, I am humbled by the love, support, blessings, and prayers that surround my family. I thank each of you. For walking with me in my past journeys, and continuing to stay by my side now. We're still in this together.

What's in a name?

In our family, we love what names mean. I'm not sure where that comes from. I don't think my parents chose names based on what their meaning was, only that they liked them. I was supposed to be Sarah Lynn. But my dad did not like it because it was too close to Sarah Lee, the snack cake lady. ;) So I became Katherine. Katherine in itself means "pure." Dave's name means "beloved." I'm not sure his mother chose his name based on it's meaning either. But for us, my main goal has been to pick a name that has a strong meaning for our children.

When I was pregnant with Kadin, it was a struggle to come up with a name that both of us liked. While cruising the internet baby name sites late one night with pregnancy insomnia, I came across the name Kadin. It is Arabic and means "Companion, friend." That described my relationship with Kadin to a T. When I was upset, he flailed about inside me. Twisting and turning until I had to focus completely on breathing and calming down. From the moment he was born, we were inseperable. Even today, if I am upset, he will sense it even if we are not in the same room. He is internally connected to me. My oldest son. When he was born in 1999, there were a little over 200 boys named Kadin in the USA. ALL of them were Caden (which means swampland by the way) and then my one Kadin. :) I loved that!

While pregnant with Cullen, I had a harder time with boy names. We were supposed to be having a girl and there weren't any boy names that really jumped out at me. We had settled on the name Gabriel. I'd have a Kade and a Gabe. But for some reason, it just didn't fit my little guy. Dave came up with the name Cullen based on an old war hero. It's Gaelic and means "Handsome." And when I gaze into my second son's eyes, I know that name fits like a glove. We named our little guy long before twilight and the Cullen's that have come since then.

With Liam, we vacillated between Fisher (my maiden name) and Liam. Liam is Gaelic as well and means "determined guardian." I felt that after all the low tech swaying we did to produce a girl child which was really a boy child, he was one determined boy! His name has fit him as well. He loves deeply, protects those close to his heart, and is such a joyful little guy. Again, his name was not popular at the time of his birth but has become more so since then.

With our daughter, the name was always going to be Delaney Katherine. Anyone who knows me, knows that was our name since 1999. In 2010, we gave that name to our miniature American Eskimo puppy. Otherwise known as Laney. :) Dave loved that name because it was Jimmy Buffet's daughter's name.

So when it came to naming our soon to be daughter, we were back at the beginning. Looking through baby name sites and books. Early on in our hunt, I was online and had jotted down a few names. I knew I wanted a Hebrew name. Or something religious. It seemed to fit where we are in our lives, and the journey that would bring her to us through adoption. While hunting, I came across the name Eliana (Elliana, Ellianna, Elianna). We have a friend who's daughter shares that same name. Although I loved it, I wanted to respect their naming their daughter that and move on to something else that wasn't used in our close circle. Elliana is the spelling I adored. The name is Hebrew and means "The Lord answers prayers." It was perfect, but I was moving on. Or so I thought. The site became stuck on that page. Each time I refreshed, it would stick again. Each time I would move forward on a page, it would move back. Then I shut the computer down and when it came back up, it was on that site, on that page, with that name again. I searched no longer and asked our friends if they minded if we used the same name. When God speaks, one needs to listen! :) So Elliana became our name for our little girl.

How do you chose names for your children? Do you look at the meaning? Shout it outside three times? Make an online poll? Use family names? I love to hear stories of how others name their kids. :)

(BTW, our cat's name is Lilly because she was born on Easter. She's our Easter Lilly. :) )

The Gender Issue

The question of the week on the adoption facebook pages seems to be whether or not you should request gender when adopting. Seriously? This is what my life keeps boiling down to? When will the gender issues in my own life be over? I keep trying to explain my position on various pages until I'm exhausted. It's like real life. Except now I'm older so I realize, what they say doesn't really matter in the wide scheme of my life. This is MY life. I can make the choices in it with my husband and children and if they are good choices for US....the rest of the world can live with it.

Gender first became an issue in 2002 when we found out we were having our second son and not the million dollar family of a boy and a girl. At that same time, a friend was battling with infertility and adopting from Russia. Guess what? They specified a girl. She later bore a biological son. I had two sons.

Then we looked into adoption and were told we were absurd for wanting to specify gender. We were told of the hundreds of stories of people who were just trying to have ONE baby. ANY baby. Yes, I got it. My sister sufferred from infertility for SIX YEARS before finally conceiving her oldest daughter. Yes, she was gender wishful. A girl. We went on to have our own biological child again, another boy.

Plain and simple, I want the opportunity to parent a girl child. I want the bows, the frills, the tea parties, the obnoxious Barbie shoes that will mingle with the legos in my life. And darn it, I'm tired of apologizing for that desire. I want a grown up relationship with my daughter, whatever that may be. I want to see things through her eyes. I want to be the mother of the bride. I want to watch my husband with a pink bundle. To watch him dance with her. To stop being excluded from Mother/Daughter lunches, spa days, and picture options. (not that I let those terms stop me. Those who know me, know I've shown up with a boy or two in tow to picture sessions and lunches).

So why am I still haunted by this? Our journey to adoption and hopefully one day through it is gender specific. It is. We are adopting to add a daughter to our family. And I think that is ok. If we did not have any children would I be gender specific? Probably not. Maybe gender wishful, like I was during my pregnancies, but not specific. I wanted a boy at first. Got him! Wanted a girl next...still waiting. But in the mean time I have two other amazing little boys that I adore and love with every fiber of my being.

I guess I get all in knots when people say you should not be gender specific in adoption but you can be race specific, single vs twin birth specific, and special needs specific. Really? So, in real life, when I get pregnant, I must just take what I get, but if I adopt I am shunned because I want a girl, even though I said I'd take any race, and we would look into some special needs issues. Because really, the last time I looked, I took what I got from the womb three times before.

Ok, so that is not really fair because my husband and I are of the same race so chances were pretty much a score that our babies would look like us. But what if I were raped like a friend of mine was and the race was questionable. Would I not have accepted that child? I would have. A child is a gift from God. And health..yes, I knew what went into my body so chances were the baby would have the highest hopes of being healthy, but we all know there are chromosomal abnormalities, traumas in the womb, traumas at birth, and even afterwards with the fear of Autism. So again, I took what I got from the womb three times.

To me, this is just another way to finger point. We all want the same thing. A child in arms. A child to raise and love and nurture and hopefully gaze into their eyes as we die as old people and they are still vivacious and healthy. So why do this to each other? Why are we finding another way to make our choices and our decisions more right than someone elses. We all have our journeys that bring us to adoption. Infertility, child loss, gender specificity, or just wanting to add to our families with the heart of adoption. It should connect us, not drive us further from each other.

And that's all I got to say about that...........

Happy Birthday!

When I woke up this morning, it was a regular type of day. Getting the kids ready, getting myself ready for work, dropping kids off, planning the rest of the day. Little did I know that God had big things in store for my 41st birthday. For the last 18 months I have been working on making myself stronger. My physical body ready to battle through middle age. This year, I vowed to work on my spiritual side. To keep strong in mind and body. And to let God guide my feet. Not an easy task for a Type A person who wants to be in control. Not easy at all!

Our adoption remains at the top of my mind. Swirling among doctor appts, school functions, and sports. I'm no longer eyeing the phone. Daring it to ring with a toll free number. I'm no longer jumping at every email. Frankly, since we decided to open our home study for Russia, I feel at peace. Elliana will come one way or another.

At work, I talk with our fabulous new recruit, Laura. She is taking over my job. She is perfect for it and I love watching her shine with enthusiasm for getting and keeping people healthy. What a find she is!

I head home to change clothes into my walking clothes before Linda comes to remeasure the bathroom wall for one last time. Then a walk with some girlfriends. I can't wait. I feel spent from lack of sleep the night before. I feel beat down. The Bible verse I read this morning keeps coming to mind..."Isn't it great that when God says he'll do something, he always does!"

Driving to pick up Liam I get a call....BLOCKED. Worried that it's Laura needing something, or something is wrong with my Grandma, I answer.

Hi Kathy? This is Cynthia from Adoption Network Law Center. How are you?

I'm good! How are you doing?

Great! Kathy, I work with birthmother's here at ANLC and I have a girl I would like to present to you to see if you would agree to be presented to her....

(At this point...Kmart is looking like a great crash site! I sit at a green light waiting to turn wondering if it is green or red, or am I really DRIVING MY CAR!?!?)

Um, ok.....will this conversation make me wreck my car??

Well, you may want to pull over!

How do you explain the rush of tears. When you know the balance of your life is right then being held in the hands of someone else. I turn to God. God...please, your will be done. I will go where you follow. But God, it IS my birthday!

Later tonight when we talked to our expectant mom, I am humbled once again. I cannot believe this amazing young woman can stand in this between ground. Her comment of "I want placing my daughter to be the ONE thing in my life I do right." goes straight to my heart. After the call, Dave states he wants to adopt the EM too. So do I. Realizing how we are all one decision away from bad things, it is scary. Our EM is young. Scared. Too street smart for her age. And too alone. Her life story sears my heart as I take notes to put in Elliana's journal. I want her to know every tidbit of her mother that I can. I hang on to her every word. She is from Ohio...so am I. She has a strong relationship with her Grandfather who is a farmer in KY...like Dave. She loves music, art, writing, reading....ok, is this really our child??? She is quite good at charcoal drawing. She wants her daughter to always be encouraged. To be allowed to have wings to be what she wants. And she wants us to guide those wings. I have no words.

Elliana is not a gift to us. She is a child. She is a dream come true. She is the missing link of our family and we do not know what to say to this young woman-child who wants to provide her for us. How can you tell someone thank you? Thank you for reaching inside me and finding the one things that I treasure. For putting them into a small body for safekeeping. And then handing that child to me to watch those treasures unfold. Thank you seems so small........

I wish I had a picture of Cullen's face when I told him that his sister was on her way. I wish I could forever capture Kadin's bright smile at the news. And how we can finally, let Liam know, she will have a birthday. And we will know when it is.

Thank you God. For our small answered prayer. One that will impact our lives in big ways. I can hardly wait!