Do you ever wonder??

Since my Grandfather died last month, it has gotten me thinking. What do we leave behind when we go? What is there besides a house full of stuff that holds meaning to you, but maybe not to the people who are cleaning it out. No one is there to tell them those were your favorite pants, your go-to tie, the pillow you could only fall asleep using.  No one to tell the story about the trinkets, jewelry, gifts.... What is the legacy we leave behind when we go?

I wanted a thumb print necklace of Grandpa's thumbprint. My mother thought I had lost my mind. It was gruesome and odd. But to me, I remember my Grandpa's hands. How they were calloused and rough from years of working as a contractor. He had scars and marks that told a story of an 86 year old man's life. I loved those large, strong hands. Those hands that would help me bring in fish when I was little and fishing on the Mississippi river. Those hands that showed me how to hammer a nail. Those hands that were placed on my shoulders at the coffee shop when he introduced me as his "side kick" to all of his friends. There was love, in my Grandpa's hands. And when I wear that necklace, the memories of a lifetime with him flood me.

What will I leave behind? What will people think when they remember my name? Will the influence of anything I have done go further than the walls I live among? Will my kids ever say.."My mom did it this way.." Or "My mom said this..." Will friends see something in them that reminds them of me?

A few weeks ago I was at the gym. While doing my workout with my trainer, I was serious about something and must have had a determined and or grimacing look on my face. Afterwards, my oldest son's music teacher came up. He said to me that he always thought our son looked  like my husband but when I was making that face while lifting, he totally saw Kadin in me. It made my heart smile. To see a piece of me, in my son.

But what if I leave tomorrow. My job here in not finished. Raising these children is not done. True, I have no regrets, but I still have more I want to do. For God to use me to do more. It makes me think. What should I be doing differently? Where should my focus be? Where can I make the largest impact?? And then I remember.....I have four huge blessings in my life. It is within them that I will make the biggest impact. It is in their lives that my legacy will live on.

For just as remembering my Grandpa's hands, my children will remember mine. And my words. And my actions. And if I was there every morning, and tuck them in at night. If I listen to their dreams and fears. If I pick them up when they fall, patch their cuts and scrapes, and hug away their broken hearts. I am there in their smiles, or their frowns. I am there in the words they use to others. When they open doors for their neighbors. When they help complete strangers. When they pray. I am there. And I guess that has to be enough.  To know that in them, I will always live on. And somehow...that is enough.

Time flies

Could it be 2 years ago? Really? Two years since we started this road? Today I was cleaning out Ellian's closet. Moving 9 month items down to be sold, and moving 18 month items over to be worn. All the while, I was placing Disney items to the side for Elliana to wear on our trip in October. While I was hunting I came across two outfits. Two tiny XS outfits that made my heart stop. Two little dresses I bought in Oct 2011 when we just started our adoption process.

I will never forget. We were on main street. I was looking at things and the boys were getting tired. We had been to the candy shop and they were ready to go. I wanted to look at another shop. Just to browse. Dave could see the desire in my eyes. He led the boys out and told me to take my time and to buy anything that called to me. Guiltily, I grasped two outfits. Two tiny minnie mouse outfits for a 'maybe baby' that I felt guilty buying.

So many times, early on, I would feel like someone would catch me in the girl section of stores. They would call me out as a boy mom and tell me I had no right to be there. It was the same at this tiny Disney store. The check out lady asked me about my daughter. I told her we were hoping to adopt. That the little girl I envisioned in those clothes had not been born yet. She just looked at me. No one got it.

When you are pregnant, there is a beginning and an end. A time when that child will come. A date when that baby will be placed in your arms, boy or girl, and you will move forward. If all goes well. And you hope it does.  When you adopt, you never know. You are a waiting family. A family that is waiting for that expectant couple to choose you. So that you can moved to a matched family, and hopefully a forever family. If that happens. Which is sometimes doesn't. So in Oct 2011, we had not even started our home study. We were out on a limb. Our agency (ANLC) had been chosen, we had signed up, we were 'live' with them, but we had to do so much more.

The hope that these two small outfits represents to me. Looking at their simplicity, I am overcome with the remembrance of all that came with them. The paperwork, the time, the questions, the visits, the hope, the prayers, the dreams, the wait............

In October 2011 we began this journey that would add to our family. A 4.5 mo wait that would bring this girl child into our lives that would reach beyond our dreams and expectations. A baby that would tie our whole family together. A child that not only my husband and I prayed for, but her brothers, and a whole community. A child that shows people that dreams do come true. That people do make good decisions, that their families can grow, and that the best packages come in small bundles.

But until then, in Oct 2011, I was a hopeful mom. A mom that knew some one would see the security and love in my husbands eyes, and the protection in my son's stances. I always knew that the woman that would be drawn to our family would first be taken by  my husband, then by my sons, and lastly by me. It would be my desire to parent a daughter that brought us to the decision to adopt, but it would be the men in my life that would solidify it. And I was right. Barely 4 months later, a young woman would fall in love with my husband's history, my son's present, and my dreams. And the end of it all, a little girl who would one day wear the outfits I bought for her, before she existed.

Keep the Faith. Trust in what you cannot see. For when one or more of you pray for it, so shall it be. For all of my friends out there waiting, your time will come. I walk in total Faith for you. And if you ever doubt God is there, may I remind you of my daughter, Elliana. Who's name means, The Lord Has Responded. The Lord Answer's Prayers.

A Glimpse In Time

On Sunday, as I laid at the beach during nap time, I watched this beautiful family come down to the chairs beside us. I quickly sat up and took note! A mom, a dad, and three little boys followed behind. Immediately, the mom began setting up the chair area where they were going to sit and the dad headed out to the water with his three little ducks on their boogie boards, all in matching swim shorts. I smiled at this kindred spirit and asked her how old her boys were. 10, 8, and 6. Perfect! I told her my boys were 13, 11, and 6. She asked if we had all boys. And there is where the show rolled to credits. No, we have a daughter at the end, I replied. "Oh." was the last word this mom spoke to me. She grabbed a chair and marched to the water and was gone. My soul sister search cut short. And it stung.

Later when I was telling the happenings to Dave, I was reminded that a few years ago, that was me. I was the one who was sad I didn't have a daughter. I was the one who cut completely nice people out of my life because they birthed a girl child. I have occasionally had times in my life where I was able to look into the mirror and see myself. This was one of those times. Am I ashamed I acted that way? Yes. I was at the time when it happened as well although I couldn't stop myself. Was I sad that I felt I couldn't pursue a friendship? Yes, but eventually I did become friends with women who had both genders. It was just strange to look at my life from the outside. To look at that lady's life on the outside and know that there is nothing lacking in her all boy family.

Two days later, at the pool, her 6 year old jumped in and yelled out to Liam. "Come play!" he said. And Liam did. I cautiously looked across to where the little guy's mom sat and she smiled. Apparently the day before, Dave had talked to them at the pool while Elliana and I were napping. He had told them about our lives with our boys and how we brought our daughter into it. It seemed that because we adopted, all was forgiven. I know this feeling as well.

I often wonder what people see when they look at us. Those who know our story, I'm sure they see things that are different than others who are looking at us for the first time. A dad, a mom, three boys, and a baby girl. While our family may not be perfect to some, to us, it is. I still hear people say...Oh, you're lucky that you finally got that girl! and I hear myself reply, We were lucky all four times, we have healthy, amazing children. When I hear people make boy/girl comments, I still jump in. When I hear people's wistfulness in their voices on how they don't feel like their one gender family is complete, I share our story, much as Dave did. And when I hear people celebrate their children no matter what, I celebrate too, for children are gifts from God, no matter how they come to join our families.

I will never forget the woman I was. The one with the three little boys following behind in their matching swim suits. For they are what made me a mother for the first, second, and third times. But I will also always be thankful for the frilly girly-girl that toddles behind them, for she made me a mother for the fourth and final time. And as I see glimpses of what my life was like, I'm thankful for growth. For realizing, before any of it was too late, that family and friends are the most amazing gifts of all.

And now, I'm headed to the pool to gab with a fellow all boy mom, who thinks my little girl is pretty cool too. ;)

Letting Go

Yesterday as my husband left our home with our oldest child, my heart ripped a little. Partly in reason because he was going to Washington DC without any of us (although a friend's parents drove him and two other classmates) to attend a young leaders conference. But also because it was just one more step of him leaving out the door and not returning as a full time resident. A bit dramatic? Maybe so. My sweet little boy is almost 14. And since those almost 14 years have flown by, I know the next four will as well. And then he will be off to college and this empty spot in our home that his presence fills, well, it will be here long term. And then there is only 7 years until the second one leaves. In SEVEN years I will have two empty spots....Lord help me to think of the other two leaving. :(

I am proud of the man our oldest, Kadin, is becoming. But at times, I am also reminded of the small child he was when he was born. Back when we didn't know any better. Back when I was a newly made mom and had a tiny 5lb baby that came too soon. I often wondered what it would be like to have a teenage boy. And I admit, I love it. Kadin is a huge helper at home. He sees things that need to be done and he jumps right in. He is eager to help others and to annoy his siblings. He is messy in his bedroom yet a meticulous reader. He has wonderful friends that are loyal to him no matter what, and he's learning the heartache of friends who taunt and back stab and use.

One step out the door and this Momma was in tears. How did that teeny tiny boy that fit in the crook of my arm become this handsome young man who is going to a National Leaders Conference? Did I mention its in DC?? And we live in IL??? Do you know how far away that is?1?!?

As another brave boy mom told me, I need to let go. To let him venture out, calling when he wants, falling when he needs to, messing up when it's necessary to learn those life lessons now, when I can pull him back in and make it all better. I'm trying. I'm really trying.

I hope he has a wonderful time. And I'm excited to take the other boys to DC on Tuesday....hey, I can't be so far away from him forever!!! :)

Love You

Tonight while carrying our daughter up to bed, she was telling her Daddy night night in her sing song 16 month old little voice. She blew him kisses and when he told her he loved her, she said 'Love You' back to him. It stopped my heart. Her tiny voice. Her sweet words. To a man who never had adoption heavy on his heart like it was on mine, and yet, here he is with a daughter he loves beyond words.

It makes you think of life. How we love people we have never met. Or movie stars. Pets, things, houses, family, and our children. Oh, how we love our children. Most of the time anyway. ;) This week our second son turned 11 years old. As with every birthday, I relive the day of their birth and look at these amazing young men they are becoming. This morning, as Cullen read Elliana a book about the Three Trees, I silently cried.

It is a book about, well, three trees. How each of them has a dream of what they will become in life. Yet, their dreams are not what God has in store for them. One becomes a manger. One becomes a boat that our Lord stands in and calms the sea, and the third becomes a rugged cross. I looked at this child of mine who was not what I expected, and yet so much more.

I told him, if he had been a girl, there would be no Liam. There would be no Elliana. We would have stopped. We would have had our pigeon pair and life would have gone on. If there were no Cullen, Kadin would not have the wings to soar. How he always included his big brother. He always looked out for him. He always dared him to be more than he was. He gave Kadin those wings. That if there had not been him in our lives, I would not have learned so much about brothers. How they bond, how they grow, and how they are the most amazing creatures on Earth. I would not have learned about the little things in life that he always taught us to stop and see. I would have not learned to dance in the rain, run with my heart in my throat after a child in the parking lot, or experience natural child birth. I would not have had the experience of mastitis, or the joy of seeing a little boy smile again. I would have missed out on guitar music and jokes. How he is so much more than I expected, and yet everything I ever needed. I thanked him for choosing our family.

I've learned a lot in the last 11 years. :) For that, I'm thankful. For a young son teetering on the verge of teenager hood, and a husband who took a leap of faith. For because of each of them, and three other small beings, I have a house full of 'Love You's' and I couldn't ask for more.

Controversy

It's taken me a few weeks to write again. For once, I wanted to get my thoughts together instead of just sitting down and writing what comes to mind, which is what I usually do. It's how I roll. :) A few months ago I had submitted my story to be part of a book about open adoption. Pridefully, I believed I had a strong hand to deal. With my book Altered Dreams, speaking out about gender disappointment, adopting for family balancing reasons, and our faith filled journey made me feel like I had a lot to offer. Never mind that I was featured in Elle, Parenting, Parents, the Associated Press, and on the Today show. Ah, but you know that saying..."Pride cometh before a fall." Yep. The guy told me that I was "too controversial" to be a part of his writing. You know, like open adoption, adoption in general, infertility treatments or anything else isn't controversial to some. But because there are boards and blogs out there that incorporated my book, or brought to the attention of others that *gasp!* people have a preference for the gender of their children and that they get pretty heated about it, I'm out.

At first I wanted to be really angry. I wanted to shoot back at him that not too many years ago infertility treatment was considered controversial but he and his wife tried it. Unsuccessfully. But that would be hurtful to people that I care about. And it would do no good. I could also bring up that many people find adoption controversial. But where would that get me? My family has benefited from both infertility treatments AND adoption. So, what really was he afraid of. A few of my friends laughed and said he was afraid to have me write with him because I was more successful with my book getting so much coverage. UGH..I did not want to go there. So, I sat on it. Hurt feelings and all. And I let some very close friends dry my tears and hold me close.

I see why gender disappointment is controversial. I've never said it wasn't. It's a highly charged, emotional battle that many women and men fight within themselves every day. Is it as serious as having a child with a terminal illness? No, not in my book. Is it as serious as not having any children at all? Not to me. But it is a serious issue. And people do adopt or do foster care, or go through PGD or microsort to expand their families, or continue to have their own biological children through low tech swaying ways to try to capture it; contain it. We adopted for family balancing reasons. We said we wanted a girl. If there had been twins that our expectant mom was having, we wanted one to be a girl. I was made to feel shame for that decision years ago. I will not feel that way again. And when that guy told me I was controversial, that is what came back. I felt less than. Because my family wasn't complete in MY eyes without both genders. Was I happy with just my boys. Yes. Was I lucky? Yes. Did I have anything to complain about? No. But I wanted a daughter too. Just like those who's houses are empty, I wanted something more. Guess that makes me the bad guy. I'll suck it up.

The thing is, those people on those blogs and most of those boards, they don't know me. They don't know me, really. The people who know me the most are those on BabyCenters Disappointed In Gender board. Those girls have been there and I told many of their stories. The people who know me are part of a Raising All Boys board as I celebrated my sons with them. Some people on my Adoption Support board are getting to know me post Elliana but will never understand where I was before. I hear the comments. "She wants a girl for the bows and clothes." Yep, they are fun but she will one day pick her own clothing out. "She wants a girl to play barbies and tea parties with." I hated barbies but played many a tea party with my boys. "She wants a girl and will forget all about her boys." Um, yeah morons....read my book. You will know that I wanted a boy first. I adore my sons. They aren't going anywhere. Mostly, I don't read the comments becase they aren't helpful. I feel defensive and I know that others that feel the way I did are going further underground as the topic of gender disappointment becomes taboo unless someone else brings it up. I'm the one who brought it up. I stand with a slew of people. Guess we are all controversial.
So, that said, being the receiver of nasty grams I guess I have broad shoulders. I will have gracious acceptance in knowing my thoughts and feelings bring to the forefront strong feelings and reactions. I've put a face to Gender Disappointment and Adoption for Family Balancing. I just want to reach people who feel alone in their thoughts and let them know they aren't alone. I have a story to tell, as do others. I want to hear theirs. I want mine heard. I believe I can be a positive voice for GD and open adoption. Or adoption in general. Or raising boys.

I'll find tolerance in a world that is full of intolerance. And I'll go along on my merry way with my controversy. Because if my story didn't illicit any feelings at all, then it wouldn't be worth telling. But obviously, there's more to tell. And to write about.

I'm thinking of titling it "Waiting.....A Walk of Faith"  Stay tuned!

New Avenues

For so long I was the mom of boys. I did boy things. I bragged about boys, I championed boys, I lived and breathed my boys. I would stand up to anyone who degraded boys, talked negatively about their boy, or who would make gender specific comments. I had found my venue. I was a Boy Mom. I MotheredBoys.

Now I find myself with some pink through the gift of adoption and I ironically find myself on another platform. Kind of straddling the two. I will forever be MotheringBoys, but now I also swim among the adoption world.

People always have questions. Didn't her mom want her? Do you have contact with them? Did her mom take drugs? Drink? Who would 'give up' their baby? How much did she cost? Do you love her like your boys? Does it bother you that she looks nothing like you? How did you bond??

Just as the questions were unfiltered when I found myself in an all boy family, now I find that filters are still not on. But I choose to educate instead of be irate. So, here you go.....

Elliana's mom DID want her. That is why she did not choose abortion. She loves her daughter so much, she made the ultimate sacrifice. To choose a family to raise her baby. A family that lives 1900 miles away. A family who so wanted a little girl and she knew they would adore her. A family that leaves her messages and pictures on a regular basis. A family who converses freely with her daughter's biological grandmother so that each family can adore this life God made. Elliana's mom did not "GIVE UP" her  daughter. She made a choice. A hard choice. One that still makes her weep. A choice she knew was in the best interest of her child. A choice that would allow her to look into her baby's blue eyes one day and say "You are the one thing I did right." We did not pay for Elliana. We paid for attorney services, agency fees, travel to and from California, and for birth mother expenses so that her birthmom could have what she needed up to the birth. We paid for counseling for her mother before the birth and after. We did not pay for our child. We love her completely. As if she came from my body. As I sat up every night and nursed her, she was just as loved as her brothers before her. In our hearts, there has been no distinction. She is our Daughter. We were meant to be her Family. She was born for Us and our journey in life prepared us for Her. The story of her conception and her birth are hers to tell when she is older. Not for prying eyes or ears. We know she was conceived in love, born in love, placed in love, and is being raised in love. That is all she needs for now. Bonding with her was instant. I walked into a nursery, had a nurse hand me my baby and leave the room. I loved her before she was born. She is another child of my heart.

Is having a semi open adoption easy? Not always. But I only have to answer to Elliana. When she asks questions, I want to provide answers. When she wonders who she looks like, I have pictures to show her. Of her birth mom. Of her birth father. Of family members. When she wants to know where she came from, I have answers. When she wants to talk to family members, she will call her birth 'Nana'. Our child is blessed. She has family all over that love and adore her. She will always know she came to us through adoption and that we are eternally grateful.

So, if you are curious, ask. But don't degrade. Just like I wouldn't tolerate that in front of my boys, I won't accept it in front of my daughter. And for the record, her eyes are just like her grandfather's eyes. My dad's. And they amaze me.