Yesterday as my husband left our home with our oldest child, my heart ripped a little. Partly in reason because he was going to Washington DC without any of us (although a friend's parents drove him and two other classmates) to attend a young leaders conference. But also because it was just one more step of him leaving out the door and not returning as a full time resident. A bit dramatic? Maybe so. My sweet little boy is almost 14. And since those almost 14 years have flown by, I know the next four will as well. And then he will be off to college and this empty spot in our home that his presence fills, well, it will be here long term. And then there is only 7 years until the second one leaves. In SEVEN years I will have two empty spots....Lord help me to think of the other two leaving. :(
I am proud of the man our oldest, Kadin, is becoming. But at times, I am also reminded of the small child he was when he was born. Back when we didn't know any better. Back when I was a newly made mom and had a tiny 5lb baby that came too soon. I often wondered what it would be like to have a teenage boy. And I admit, I love it. Kadin is a huge helper at home. He sees things that need to be done and he jumps right in. He is eager to help others and to annoy his siblings. He is messy in his bedroom yet a meticulous reader. He has wonderful friends that are loyal to him no matter what, and he's learning the heartache of friends who taunt and back stab and use.
One step out the door and this Momma was in tears. How did that teeny tiny boy that fit in the crook of my arm become this handsome young man who is going to a National Leaders Conference? Did I mention its in DC?? And we live in IL??? Do you know how far away that is?1?!?
As another brave boy mom told me, I need to let go. To let him venture out, calling when he wants, falling when he needs to, messing up when it's necessary to learn those life lessons now, when I can pull him back in and make it all better. I'm trying. I'm really trying.
I hope he has a wonderful time. And I'm excited to take the other boys to DC on Tuesday....hey, I can't be so far away from him forever!!! :)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Love You
Tonight while carrying our daughter up to bed, she was telling her Daddy night night in her sing song 16 month old little voice. She blew him kisses and when he told her he loved her, she said 'Love You' back to him. It stopped my heart. Her tiny voice. Her sweet words. To a man who never had adoption heavy on his heart like it was on mine, and yet, here he is with a daughter he loves beyond words.
It makes you think of life. How we love people we have never met. Or movie stars. Pets, things, houses, family, and our children. Oh, how we love our children. Most of the time anyway. ;) This week our second son turned 11 years old. As with every birthday, I relive the day of their birth and look at these amazing young men they are becoming. This morning, as Cullen read Elliana a book about the Three Trees, I silently cried.
It is a book about, well, three trees. How each of them has a dream of what they will become in life. Yet, their dreams are not what God has in store for them. One becomes a manger. One becomes a boat that our Lord stands in and calms the sea, and the third becomes a rugged cross. I looked at this child of mine who was not what I expected, and yet so much more.
I told him, if he had been a girl, there would be no Liam. There would be no Elliana. We would have stopped. We would have had our pigeon pair and life would have gone on. If there were no Cullen, Kadin would not have the wings to soar. How he always included his big brother. He always looked out for him. He always dared him to be more than he was. He gave Kadin those wings. That if there had not been him in our lives, I would not have learned so much about brothers. How they bond, how they grow, and how they are the most amazing creatures on Earth. I would not have learned about the little things in life that he always taught us to stop and see. I would have not learned to dance in the rain, run with my heart in my throat after a child in the parking lot, or experience natural child birth. I would not have had the experience of mastitis, or the joy of seeing a little boy smile again. I would have missed out on guitar music and jokes. How he is so much more than I expected, and yet everything I ever needed. I thanked him for choosing our family.
I've learned a lot in the last 11 years. :) For that, I'm thankful. For a young son teetering on the verge of teenager hood, and a husband who took a leap of faith. For because of each of them, and three other small beings, I have a house full of 'Love You's' and I couldn't ask for more.
It makes you think of life. How we love people we have never met. Or movie stars. Pets, things, houses, family, and our children. Oh, how we love our children. Most of the time anyway. ;) This week our second son turned 11 years old. As with every birthday, I relive the day of their birth and look at these amazing young men they are becoming. This morning, as Cullen read Elliana a book about the Three Trees, I silently cried.
It is a book about, well, three trees. How each of them has a dream of what they will become in life. Yet, their dreams are not what God has in store for them. One becomes a manger. One becomes a boat that our Lord stands in and calms the sea, and the third becomes a rugged cross. I looked at this child of mine who was not what I expected, and yet so much more.
I told him, if he had been a girl, there would be no Liam. There would be no Elliana. We would have stopped. We would have had our pigeon pair and life would have gone on. If there were no Cullen, Kadin would not have the wings to soar. How he always included his big brother. He always looked out for him. He always dared him to be more than he was. He gave Kadin those wings. That if there had not been him in our lives, I would not have learned so much about brothers. How they bond, how they grow, and how they are the most amazing creatures on Earth. I would not have learned about the little things in life that he always taught us to stop and see. I would have not learned to dance in the rain, run with my heart in my throat after a child in the parking lot, or experience natural child birth. I would not have had the experience of mastitis, or the joy of seeing a little boy smile again. I would have missed out on guitar music and jokes. How he is so much more than I expected, and yet everything I ever needed. I thanked him for choosing our family.
I've learned a lot in the last 11 years. :) For that, I'm thankful. For a young son teetering on the verge of teenager hood, and a husband who took a leap of faith. For because of each of them, and three other small beings, I have a house full of 'Love You's' and I couldn't ask for more.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Controversy
It's taken me a few weeks to write again. For once, I wanted to get my thoughts together instead of just sitting down and writing what comes to mind, which is what I usually do. It's how I roll. :) A few months ago I had submitted my story to be part of a book about open adoption. Pridefully, I believed I had a strong hand to deal. With my book Altered Dreams, speaking out about gender disappointment, adopting for family balancing reasons, and our faith filled journey made me feel like I had a lot to offer. Never mind that I was featured in Elle, Parenting, Parents, the Associated Press, and on the Today show. Ah, but you know that saying..."Pride cometh before a fall." Yep. The guy told me that I was "too controversial" to be a part of his writing. You know, like open adoption, adoption in general, infertility treatments or anything else isn't controversial to some. But because there are boards and blogs out there that incorporated my book, or brought to the attention of others that *gasp!* people have a preference for the gender of their children and that they get pretty heated about it, I'm out.
At first I wanted to be really angry. I wanted to shoot back at him that not too many years ago infertility treatment was considered controversial but he and his wife tried it. Unsuccessfully. But that would be hurtful to people that I care about. And it would do no good. I could also bring up that many people find adoption controversial. But where would that get me? My family has benefited from both infertility treatments AND adoption. So, what really was he afraid of. A few of my friends laughed and said he was afraid to have me write with him because I was more successful with my book getting so much coverage. UGH..I did not want to go there. So, I sat on it. Hurt feelings and all. And I let some very close friends dry my tears and hold me close.
I see why gender disappointment is controversial. I've never said it wasn't. It's a highly charged, emotional battle that many women and men fight within themselves every day. Is it as serious as having a child with a terminal illness? No, not in my book. Is it as serious as not having any children at all? Not to me. But it is a serious issue. And people do adopt or do foster care, or go through PGD or microsort to expand their families, or continue to have their own biological children through low tech swaying ways to try to capture it; contain it. We adopted for family balancing reasons. We said we wanted a girl. If there had been twins that our expectant mom was having, we wanted one to be a girl. I was made to feel shame for that decision years ago. I will not feel that way again. And when that guy told me I was controversial, that is what came back. I felt less than. Because my family wasn't complete in MY eyes without both genders. Was I happy with just my boys. Yes. Was I lucky? Yes. Did I have anything to complain about? No. But I wanted a daughter too. Just like those who's houses are empty, I wanted something more. Guess that makes me the bad guy. I'll suck it up.
The thing is, those people on those blogs and most of those boards, they don't know me. They don't know me, really. The people who know me the most are those on BabyCenters Disappointed In Gender board. Those girls have been there and I told many of their stories. The people who know me are part of a Raising All Boys board as I celebrated my sons with them. Some people on my Adoption Support board are getting to know me post Elliana but will never understand where I was before. I hear the comments. "She wants a girl for the bows and clothes." Yep, they are fun but she will one day pick her own clothing out. "She wants a girl to play barbies and tea parties with." I hated barbies but played many a tea party with my boys. "She wants a girl and will forget all about her boys." Um, yeah morons....read my book. You will know that I wanted a boy first. I adore my sons. They aren't going anywhere. Mostly, I don't read the comments becase they aren't helpful. I feel defensive and I know that others that feel the way I did are going further underground as the topic of gender disappointment becomes taboo unless someone else brings it up. I'm the one who brought it up. I stand with a slew of people. Guess we are all controversial.
So, that said, being the receiver of nasty grams I guess I have broad shoulders. I will have gracious acceptance in knowing my thoughts and feelings bring to the forefront strong feelings and reactions. I've put a face to Gender Disappointment and Adoption for Family Balancing. I just want to reach people who feel alone in their thoughts and let them know they aren't alone. I have a story to tell, as do others. I want to hear theirs. I want mine heard. I believe I can be a positive voice for GD and open adoption. Or adoption in general. Or raising boys.
I'll find tolerance in a world that is full of intolerance. And I'll go along on my merry way with my controversy. Because if my story didn't illicit any feelings at all, then it wouldn't be worth telling. But obviously, there's more to tell. And to write about.
I'm thinking of titling it "Waiting.....A Walk of Faith" Stay tuned!
At first I wanted to be really angry. I wanted to shoot back at him that not too many years ago infertility treatment was considered controversial but he and his wife tried it. Unsuccessfully. But that would be hurtful to people that I care about. And it would do no good. I could also bring up that many people find adoption controversial. But where would that get me? My family has benefited from both infertility treatments AND adoption. So, what really was he afraid of. A few of my friends laughed and said he was afraid to have me write with him because I was more successful with my book getting so much coverage. UGH..I did not want to go there. So, I sat on it. Hurt feelings and all. And I let some very close friends dry my tears and hold me close.
I see why gender disappointment is controversial. I've never said it wasn't. It's a highly charged, emotional battle that many women and men fight within themselves every day. Is it as serious as having a child with a terminal illness? No, not in my book. Is it as serious as not having any children at all? Not to me. But it is a serious issue. And people do adopt or do foster care, or go through PGD or microsort to expand their families, or continue to have their own biological children through low tech swaying ways to try to capture it; contain it. We adopted for family balancing reasons. We said we wanted a girl. If there had been twins that our expectant mom was having, we wanted one to be a girl. I was made to feel shame for that decision years ago. I will not feel that way again. And when that guy told me I was controversial, that is what came back. I felt less than. Because my family wasn't complete in MY eyes without both genders. Was I happy with just my boys. Yes. Was I lucky? Yes. Did I have anything to complain about? No. But I wanted a daughter too. Just like those who's houses are empty, I wanted something more. Guess that makes me the bad guy. I'll suck it up.
The thing is, those people on those blogs and most of those boards, they don't know me. They don't know me, really. The people who know me the most are those on BabyCenters Disappointed In Gender board. Those girls have been there and I told many of their stories. The people who know me are part of a Raising All Boys board as I celebrated my sons with them. Some people on my Adoption Support board are getting to know me post Elliana but will never understand where I was before. I hear the comments. "She wants a girl for the bows and clothes." Yep, they are fun but she will one day pick her own clothing out. "She wants a girl to play barbies and tea parties with." I hated barbies but played many a tea party with my boys. "She wants a girl and will forget all about her boys." Um, yeah morons....read my book. You will know that I wanted a boy first. I adore my sons. They aren't going anywhere. Mostly, I don't read the comments becase they aren't helpful. I feel defensive and I know that others that feel the way I did are going further underground as the topic of gender disappointment becomes taboo unless someone else brings it up. I'm the one who brought it up. I stand with a slew of people. Guess we are all controversial.
So, that said, being the receiver of nasty grams I guess I have broad shoulders. I will have gracious acceptance in knowing my thoughts and feelings bring to the forefront strong feelings and reactions. I've put a face to Gender Disappointment and Adoption for Family Balancing. I just want to reach people who feel alone in their thoughts and let them know they aren't alone. I have a story to tell, as do others. I want to hear theirs. I want mine heard. I believe I can be a positive voice for GD and open adoption. Or adoption in general. Or raising boys.
I'll find tolerance in a world that is full of intolerance. And I'll go along on my merry way with my controversy. Because if my story didn't illicit any feelings at all, then it wouldn't be worth telling. But obviously, there's more to tell. And to write about.
I'm thinking of titling it "Waiting.....A Walk of Faith" Stay tuned!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
New Avenues
For so long I was the mom of boys. I did boy things. I bragged about boys, I championed boys, I lived and breathed my boys. I would stand up to anyone who degraded boys, talked negatively about their boy, or who would make gender specific comments. I had found my venue. I was a Boy Mom. I MotheredBoys.
Now I find myself with some pink through the gift of adoption and I ironically find myself on another platform. Kind of straddling the two. I will forever be MotheringBoys, but now I also swim among the adoption world.
People always have questions. Didn't her mom want her? Do you have contact with them? Did her mom take drugs? Drink? Who would 'give up' their baby? How much did she cost? Do you love her like your boys? Does it bother you that she looks nothing like you? How did you bond??
Just as the questions were unfiltered when I found myself in an all boy family, now I find that filters are still not on. But I choose to educate instead of be irate. So, here you go.....
Elliana's mom DID want her. That is why she did not choose abortion. She loves her daughter so much, she made the ultimate sacrifice. To choose a family to raise her baby. A family that lives 1900 miles away. A family who so wanted a little girl and she knew they would adore her. A family that leaves her messages and pictures on a regular basis. A family who converses freely with her daughter's biological grandmother so that each family can adore this life God made. Elliana's mom did not "GIVE UP" her daughter. She made a choice. A hard choice. One that still makes her weep. A choice she knew was in the best interest of her child. A choice that would allow her to look into her baby's blue eyes one day and say "You are the one thing I did right." We did not pay for Elliana. We paid for attorney services, agency fees, travel to and from California, and for birth mother expenses so that her birthmom could have what she needed up to the birth. We paid for counseling for her mother before the birth and after. We did not pay for our child. We love her completely. As if she came from my body. As I sat up every night and nursed her, she was just as loved as her brothers before her. In our hearts, there has been no distinction. She is our Daughter. We were meant to be her Family. She was born for Us and our journey in life prepared us for Her. The story of her conception and her birth are hers to tell when she is older. Not for prying eyes or ears. We know she was conceived in love, born in love, placed in love, and is being raised in love. That is all she needs for now. Bonding with her was instant. I walked into a nursery, had a nurse hand me my baby and leave the room. I loved her before she was born. She is another child of my heart.
Is having a semi open adoption easy? Not always. But I only have to answer to Elliana. When she asks questions, I want to provide answers. When she wonders who she looks like, I have pictures to show her. Of her birth mom. Of her birth father. Of family members. When she wants to know where she came from, I have answers. When she wants to talk to family members, she will call her birth 'Nana'. Our child is blessed. She has family all over that love and adore her. She will always know she came to us through adoption and that we are eternally grateful.
So, if you are curious, ask. But don't degrade. Just like I wouldn't tolerate that in front of my boys, I won't accept it in front of my daughter. And for the record, her eyes are just like her grandfather's eyes. My dad's. And they amaze me.
Now I find myself with some pink through the gift of adoption and I ironically find myself on another platform. Kind of straddling the two. I will forever be MotheringBoys, but now I also swim among the adoption world.
People always have questions. Didn't her mom want her? Do you have contact with them? Did her mom take drugs? Drink? Who would 'give up' their baby? How much did she cost? Do you love her like your boys? Does it bother you that she looks nothing like you? How did you bond??
Just as the questions were unfiltered when I found myself in an all boy family, now I find that filters are still not on. But I choose to educate instead of be irate. So, here you go.....
Elliana's mom DID want her. That is why she did not choose abortion. She loves her daughter so much, she made the ultimate sacrifice. To choose a family to raise her baby. A family that lives 1900 miles away. A family who so wanted a little girl and she knew they would adore her. A family that leaves her messages and pictures on a regular basis. A family who converses freely with her daughter's biological grandmother so that each family can adore this life God made. Elliana's mom did not "GIVE UP" her daughter. She made a choice. A hard choice. One that still makes her weep. A choice she knew was in the best interest of her child. A choice that would allow her to look into her baby's blue eyes one day and say "You are the one thing I did right." We did not pay for Elliana. We paid for attorney services, agency fees, travel to and from California, and for birth mother expenses so that her birthmom could have what she needed up to the birth. We paid for counseling for her mother before the birth and after. We did not pay for our child. We love her completely. As if she came from my body. As I sat up every night and nursed her, she was just as loved as her brothers before her. In our hearts, there has been no distinction. She is our Daughter. We were meant to be her Family. She was born for Us and our journey in life prepared us for Her. The story of her conception and her birth are hers to tell when she is older. Not for prying eyes or ears. We know she was conceived in love, born in love, placed in love, and is being raised in love. That is all she needs for now. Bonding with her was instant. I walked into a nursery, had a nurse hand me my baby and leave the room. I loved her before she was born. She is another child of my heart.
Is having a semi open adoption easy? Not always. But I only have to answer to Elliana. When she asks questions, I want to provide answers. When she wonders who she looks like, I have pictures to show her. Of her birth mom. Of her birth father. Of family members. When she wants to know where she came from, I have answers. When she wants to talk to family members, she will call her birth 'Nana'. Our child is blessed. She has family all over that love and adore her. She will always know she came to us through adoption and that we are eternally grateful.
So, if you are curious, ask. But don't degrade. Just like I wouldn't tolerate that in front of my boys, I won't accept it in front of my daughter. And for the record, her eyes are just like her grandfather's eyes. My dad's. And they amaze me.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Hold Tight
Today while we were walking down the hall towards the nursery to drop Elliana off, I noticed a family of all boys. How could I not smile at this mom who looked a little tired and her two older boys walking down the hall. I saw her husband patiently walking with their youngest son holding his hand. This little guy did not want to be at church and was complaining a bit. With a smile on my face, thinking of my own family of boys, I looked down. Onto a child that was clearly not well. I don't mean a sniffle-runny-nose not well, but very, very sick. His bald head was in severe contrast to his dark cute clothes. The blue rings under his eyes spoke volumes of a journey he was on that no one else other than his parents could completely comprehend. The tenative smile he gave me as I passed made my heart squeeze and I had to suddenly go to the bathroom or risk sobbing in the hallway.
I've had people tell me I have no right to want a daughter in my life. That I should be thankful for the three healthy children I have roaming the rooms in my home. And I have always, always been thankful for that. I've had mothers who's children were diagnosed with Autism be angry with me. Mothers who's children are sick defriend me because of my desire to add a girl to our all boy family. It happens so much, you begin to wonder, am I being selfish? Do I not appreciate what I have been given enough? I have thought long and hard about these things as pieces of my life fall into place.
Today I found out that an online friend's little girl has has a brain mass. She just turned two. She was healthy and fine and happy one day, then flu like symptoms the next. She had an MRI on one day, brain surgery the next...and then another. Two surgeries in as many days. All the while this mother tries to care for her young son and is 33 weeks pregnant with her third.
Oh, yes, I'm taking note. And thanking God. And you know what? I'm not selfish for wanting a little girl in my life. For you know what? We don't know what tomorrow brings. I want to live this life God gave me to the fullest. I want to love much, live long, and give until it hurts. I want to cherish my husband and my children. I want to cry until my gut hurts, laugh until my abs ache, and love deeply. I want my children to be healthy and I want the strength to hold onto my God if they are not. Because one day they can be here in the living room fighting and driving me to the brink of distraction, and the next they could be in the hospital having brain surgery.
To those two moms of sick little ones, know I saw the message. I got it loud and clear. I'm holding tight to my little ones. All of them. I'm thanking God for my four miracles, three of my body and one of my heart. I'm speaking softer, taking more time for the lego building and the trampoline jumping. I'm snuggling more, dancing often, and ever step of the way thanking God for life's lessons.
Hold tight to those you love. Your friends, your family, your children, strangers. For one of the most important covenants we have is to love our neighbor as ourselves. So those who are angry at me for wanting more, I'm sorry. I don't have time for that. I'm too busy jumping in puddles, taking walks, scratching backs, reading books, and holding tight to the dreams that came true in my life. Warts and all.
I've had people tell me I have no right to want a daughter in my life. That I should be thankful for the three healthy children I have roaming the rooms in my home. And I have always, always been thankful for that. I've had mothers who's children were diagnosed with Autism be angry with me. Mothers who's children are sick defriend me because of my desire to add a girl to our all boy family. It happens so much, you begin to wonder, am I being selfish? Do I not appreciate what I have been given enough? I have thought long and hard about these things as pieces of my life fall into place.
Today I found out that an online friend's little girl has has a brain mass. She just turned two. She was healthy and fine and happy one day, then flu like symptoms the next. She had an MRI on one day, brain surgery the next...and then another. Two surgeries in as many days. All the while this mother tries to care for her young son and is 33 weeks pregnant with her third.
Oh, yes, I'm taking note. And thanking God. And you know what? I'm not selfish for wanting a little girl in my life. For you know what? We don't know what tomorrow brings. I want to live this life God gave me to the fullest. I want to love much, live long, and give until it hurts. I want to cherish my husband and my children. I want to cry until my gut hurts, laugh until my abs ache, and love deeply. I want my children to be healthy and I want the strength to hold onto my God if they are not. Because one day they can be here in the living room fighting and driving me to the brink of distraction, and the next they could be in the hospital having brain surgery.
To those two moms of sick little ones, know I saw the message. I got it loud and clear. I'm holding tight to my little ones. All of them. I'm thanking God for my four miracles, three of my body and one of my heart. I'm speaking softer, taking more time for the lego building and the trampoline jumping. I'm snuggling more, dancing often, and ever step of the way thanking God for life's lessons.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Christmas Time
Our little one is now 10 months old. She is growing and thriving and we are finally breathing a little easier. She is meeting all developmental milestones. I'm no longer panicked that something is wrong. I am finally more relaxed and not trying to rush in every life experience into tiny short months. This is our daughter. She is here to stay.
Last year she was our "maybe baby." A child we hoped and prayed for. This year, she is here and a part of us. I still, at times, find it hard to believe I am the mom to four.
Through my life, I have always tried to give people hope. To show them that life is ok the way you're handed it. And if you find it not so, then you can work and find a way to change it. When I look at my daughter, I want her to know this as well.
At Christmas, I tend to reflect upon things that have had an impact on my life. Going to college, graduating from grad school, meeting Dave, moving away, marriage, my family of origin, my boys, the life we have built together, and the daughter we have added. I don't pretend to have all of the answers. I know I never will.
As our family has grown, I have looked back on the years and cherished each time we have expanded. This Christmas is no different. It's still amazing to me that you can be a family unit of a certain number one year and swell to encompass a new person by the time the next year rolls around. And each time, that person just seems to fit. When we had just two boys, I could see where another person would be in the family picture. Then there were three. For a long time, that is all I could see. But last year, I knew right where another person would go. Where she would fit. And this year, there were four. I'm scared to look at the picture for fear I will see five, or six!
I know we are blessed beyond measure. I know that I have my hearts every desire. And I'm grateful. And humbled. I know I disappointed a lot of people when we chose to pursue adoption. I was to be the poster child for gender disappointment. I was to prove that you can be happy with what you don't have. And I was. But I always held that longing for a daughter in addition to my boys. That was never a secret. I lived my life to the fullest with my boys, but I still held that desire. And now I hold her in my arms. For now, at this Christmas, our family is complete.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Still the same, but different.
My mind swirls with how much difference a year can make. One.Short.Year. How we went from being a family of 5 to a family of 6 without missing a beat. As our finalization comes closer, I ache for the loss of one family but am joyous for the addition to our own. Adoption is such a conflicting state of mind. You are beyond estatic to add this person to your family. Whether an infant or an older child, yet you are devestated that someone had to lose out. Whether it be a young mother, or the child himself who may have not had the best of beginnings.
Sometimes we look at Elliana and we remember February 1, 2012 when the agency called and asked if we were interested in this situation. We cannot believe how God protected our child. We are not surprised, merely in awe. How this little being came from such a disasterous start, yet is perfect and on target in every way. I can remember Dave pouring over Elliana's mom's medical record and just shaking his head. But we trusted God's plan for us and moved forward. I sometimes think about if we had said no, it was too much of a risk, and what we would have missed out on.
On October 17, 2012, Elliana Marie will become an Asbery legally. It is a day that will put on paper what our hearts have known for almost 8 months. This is our daughter. This is the child that was not from my body, but from my heart and soul. This is the child we waited for but did not know would exist.
I'm a boy mom. I know boys. I adore boys. I champion boys. I will ALWAYS be a boy mom. My boys made me a mom first. They taught me so much and I adore them. It's been a weird adjustment to say 'Kids' instead of 'Boys.' Sometimes I flounder in the middle ground of always being a boy mom to now being a mixed gender mom. Only someone that has walked this road would get that saying. Once you are an all one gender parent, in your mind, you always are. But one small girl changed that for us.
I have not left all of my disappointment feelings at the door. Having Elliana has not given me rose colored glasses. I still remember the hurtful comments from others. The same as a person with fertility issues does not forget those feelings of not getting pregnant even when they do conceive or adopt. They are still a part of me, of those of us who have walked this road. I sometimes feel it is important to let people know that. For all of my bravo at being a boy mom. For writing ALTERED DREAMS. For challenging the venacular of people who want to gender stereotype. I'm still that person. I still do those things. I still feel those things.
Yes, I now say 'kids' and have a daughter, but those experiences that made me who I am, the mother I am, the woman I am, they are still there. I am beyond thankful for the experience to raise a daughter with my boys. It is all I ever wanted. But I'm still me.
Sometimes we look at Elliana and we remember February 1, 2012 when the agency called and asked if we were interested in this situation. We cannot believe how God protected our child. We are not surprised, merely in awe. How this little being came from such a disasterous start, yet is perfect and on target in every way. I can remember Dave pouring over Elliana's mom's medical record and just shaking his head. But we trusted God's plan for us and moved forward. I sometimes think about if we had said no, it was too much of a risk, and what we would have missed out on.
On October 17, 2012, Elliana Marie will become an Asbery legally. It is a day that will put on paper what our hearts have known for almost 8 months. This is our daughter. This is the child that was not from my body, but from my heart and soul. This is the child we waited for but did not know would exist.
I'm a boy mom. I know boys. I adore boys. I champion boys. I will ALWAYS be a boy mom. My boys made me a mom first. They taught me so much and I adore them. It's been a weird adjustment to say 'Kids' instead of 'Boys.' Sometimes I flounder in the middle ground of always being a boy mom to now being a mixed gender mom. Only someone that has walked this road would get that saying. Once you are an all one gender parent, in your mind, you always are. But one small girl changed that for us.
I have not left all of my disappointment feelings at the door. Having Elliana has not given me rose colored glasses. I still remember the hurtful comments from others. The same as a person with fertility issues does not forget those feelings of not getting pregnant even when they do conceive or adopt. They are still a part of me, of those of us who have walked this road. I sometimes feel it is important to let people know that. For all of my bravo at being a boy mom. For writing ALTERED DREAMS. For challenging the venacular of people who want to gender stereotype. I'm still that person. I still do those things. I still feel those things.
Yes, I now say 'kids' and have a daughter, but those experiences that made me who I am, the mother I am, the woman I am, they are still there. I am beyond thankful for the experience to raise a daughter with my boys. It is all I ever wanted. But I'm still me.
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