Leaving Behind

Some days I cannot wait to get away from my children. To escape the monotony of always reprimanding, fixing, tying, teaching, doing......to just exist in my own body without someone hanging on it or demanding things from me. Last week, Dave and I went to NYC to attend a conference in order to launch our new Center for Medical Weight Loss, that will be an adjunct to Dave's practice. Four days of being little one less. And what can I think of? Nothing but them! How Cullen bounced into school on Wed. morning and I didn't kiss him good bye that one last time. How I missed Liam's tiny voice and never ending chatter. How I wondered how Kadin did on his science test. I missed their ball practices and then ball games. I missed hearing about their days while they weren't with me. I missed them. I couldn't wait to get back to them. And almost tangible feeling of want. It reminded me of when Dave and I were in Holland over 9/11. Before Cullen was even dreamed of. And we just had Kadin. How my heart and my arms ached to touch him. To see him. To hear him. To just exist in the same airspace where he was. How much my children and my husband mean to me. How I would not be the same person without them. How I never want to live a day without them in my life.

And I think of the sacrifices other parents have to make. To say goodbye to a child much to soon. Either through that child's death, or their own. To feel like you haven't said enough. Done enough. Been enough. To want one more last day, last moment, last memory, last laugh.

I want to live each day as if it were my last. Because I don't know. Either way. How long I will be here, or a friend will be here, or my sons. As I run, I listen to a song on my ipod. Talking about how you should always be stronger than you think you are. Get up when you fall down. Trust in God. Unleash your burdens into His capable hands, and to NEVER say something you can't take back.

I wonder. Do I live like that now? Do I encourage enough? Do I love enough? Do I do enough to let my sons know that without them, I would never be the same. Because it is due to them that I am different. Fuller. Complete. Compassionate. Forgiving. It is because of the three of them that I have a more open mind into what life is, can be, should be.

So many times I sat in a room, with a parent or two, and a child or four, and gave parenting advice. Long before I was a parent myself. And I wonder, would I say the same things now? Would I be more of what I am now? Maybe that will be my next book. :)