How do you feel now???

I was asked this question today during an interview with a freelance writer for Parent's Magazine. Now, over 4 years from the day of finding I would never have a daughter in my life. How DO I feel? Fine. A little tired, annoyed by Kadin's attempt to play his new Native American flute, waiting for the next wailing session to occur with one of the younger kids, and hoping the dog quits peeing on my kitchen floor some time soon. OH, about gender disappointment....how do I feel about THAT! I feel less in the moment of that actual moment. Life has taken over. I see from having friends lose children, have family members diagnosed with horrible cancers, and seeing families driven apart from strife and stress that there are other things that need my focus. I still trust God's words to me. Not in YOUR time, but in MY time. I know that He will see this tiny part of me that is unfullfilled, filled. I know that my pain is still important to him, even as I go through life. But really, I am so proud of my boys. I am so exceptionally thankful to be their mother. From the other side, I see where my family is different, better even, because I did not get my dream of a daughter. I have been able to totally emerse myself in my CHILDREN. Not my sons, or my daughter. But my kids. My walking hearts.

I found it funny that when she asked me about swaying methods, diet changes, ect., I could barely recall them. From someone who could spout them off in a moment's notice, they are no longer front line items for me. And I felt relieved as I laughed and told her so. I remember the pain of the loss of that dream from so long ago. And it can bring tears biting the back of my throat. But then I see Liam jump from the bottom two steps in an I LOVE DAD shirt, a cape, and alligator boots and I think...I was disappointed? WHY?

So, how do I feel now? Luckier than ever. Thankful to be an all boy mom. Excited to meet each day to hear what I never knew I wanted to know (did you know that if you put a lighter to one's butt as they fart, they could suck the fire back in?? Who exactly really WANTS to know that?? But there it is!). I realize now, more than ever, that I only hold these hands for a brief time. That life is wasted on the What If's and Should Have, Could Haves. I life for today. For right now. I feel blessed beyond measure. For my life, my friends, my family, a conversation with a neice, a laugh with my mother, a shared glance with my husband, and the craziness of raising three children. Yes, it's been awhile since I have visited these feelings. And now I will put them back on the shelf. For there are battles to be won as a Jedi and I don't want to miss any of them! Love the Life You Live!!!!!