Several weeks ago we were told by our minister to keep our eyes open for God's presence in our lives. That is not hard for me to do. I see His hand daily in the lives of my children, the sun rising, or a short conversation with my mom or a close friend. What I specifically wanted to see was a sign from God that we are still on the right path in regards to our adoption. That we haven't been forgotten.
I know that 2 months is not a long time to wait in regards to adopting a child with a family who has their own children. I know that our homestudy has just been completed a few weeks. We have our license hanging in the house and we are officially, official. :) But through the quiet of nothingness, one begins to doubt. Is this right? Will it happen? And since you are not physically pregnant, there is really no one who wants to listen to your concerns. I think it's because of the unknown. When will she comes? Who knows. What will she look like? Who knows. What will her birthmom be like? Who knows. What will that relationship develop into? Who knows. Why don't you just get pregnant or find a surrogate and have a real baby? Um....well, I guess because adoption has always been on my heart. Even since a young child. And she will be a "real" child and we will be her "real" parents and her "real" family.
At Christmas, we remember those we love. We buy gifts to let them know we are thinking of them. We love to surprise others and see the fleeting look of joy upon their face. Twice this season our baby girl has been remembered. Even though none of the above questions can be answered. These people love her, just because we love her already. It's not the size of the token, its the act of acknowleging that we are going through our own type of pregnancy. It's the gift card to Babies R Us to use when we know she is coming. It's the family ornament that adds one more person to our snowman family. It's the fact that so many people are praying for this sweet baby, her momma, and her daddy so that thier footsteps lead to our door.
I'm sorry to those two people who gifted me huge gifts of hope that our baby will come. There was no joy that crossed my face as I burst into tears. For their tiny gifts mean more to me than words can describe. As we are paper pregnant, and not "really" pregnant, no one knows how to take me. I'm expecting but I don't know when. I'm having a girl, but I don't know what season. I don't know what she will look like. I don't know what state she will be born in. I don't know if I will know her birthparents or not, but I have two wonderful families standing with me as we hope for her. As we pray for her.
And through them, I see my sign from God. He is still with us. We are still where we should be. And we will continue to walk by Faith, not by Sight, with Hope that our daughter will find her way to us.
Merry Christmas everyone!
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