The question of the week on the adoption facebook pages seems to be whether or not you should request gender when adopting. Seriously? This is what my life keeps boiling down to? When will the gender issues in my own life be over? I keep trying to explain my position on various pages until I'm exhausted. It's like real life. Except now I'm older so I realize, what they say doesn't really matter in the wide scheme of my life. This is MY life. I can make the choices in it with my husband and children and if they are good choices for US....the rest of the world can live with it.
Gender first became an issue in 2002 when we found out we were having our second son and not the million dollar family of a boy and a girl. At that same time, a friend was battling with infertility and adopting from Russia. Guess what? They specified a girl. She later bore a biological son. I had two sons.
Then we looked into adoption and were told we were absurd for wanting to specify gender. We were told of the hundreds of stories of people who were just trying to have ONE baby. ANY baby. Yes, I got it. My sister sufferred from infertility for SIX YEARS before finally conceiving her oldest daughter. Yes, she was gender wishful. A girl. We went on to have our own biological child again, another boy.
Plain and simple, I want the opportunity to parent a girl child. I want the bows, the frills, the tea parties, the obnoxious Barbie shoes that will mingle with the legos in my life. And darn it, I'm tired of apologizing for that desire. I want a grown up relationship with my daughter, whatever that may be. I want to see things through her eyes. I want to be the mother of the bride. I want to watch my husband with a pink bundle. To watch him dance with her. To stop being excluded from Mother/Daughter lunches, spa days, and picture options. (not that I let those terms stop me. Those who know me, know I've shown up with a boy or two in tow to picture sessions and lunches).
So why am I still haunted by this? Our journey to adoption and hopefully one day through it is gender specific. It is. We are adopting to add a daughter to our family. And I think that is ok. If we did not have any children would I be gender specific? Probably not. Maybe gender wishful, like I was during my pregnancies, but not specific. I wanted a boy at first. Got him! Wanted a girl next...still waiting. But in the mean time I have two other amazing little boys that I adore and love with every fiber of my being.
I guess I get all in knots when people say you should not be gender specific in adoption but you can be race specific, single vs twin birth specific, and special needs specific. Really? So, in real life, when I get pregnant, I must just take what I get, but if I adopt I am shunned because I want a girl, even though I said I'd take any race, and we would look into some special needs issues. Because really, the last time I looked, I took what I got from the womb three times before.
Ok, so that is not really fair because my husband and I are of the same race so chances were pretty much a score that our babies would look like us. But what if I were raped like a friend of mine was and the race was questionable. Would I not have accepted that child? I would have. A child is a gift from God. And health..yes, I knew what went into my body so chances were the baby would have the highest hopes of being healthy, but we all know there are chromosomal abnormalities, traumas in the womb, traumas at birth, and even afterwards with the fear of Autism. So again, I took what I got from the womb three times.
To me, this is just another way to finger point. We all want the same thing. A child in arms. A child to raise and love and nurture and hopefully gaze into their eyes as we die as old people and they are still vivacious and healthy. So why do this to each other? Why are we finding another way to make our choices and our decisions more right than someone elses. We all have our journeys that bring us to adoption. Infertility, child loss, gender specificity, or just wanting to add to our families with the heart of adoption. It should connect us, not drive us further from each other.
And that's all I got to say about that...........
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9 comments:
I agree with you 100%. It's hypocritical to say that asking for a specific gender in adoption is wrong, while asking for a specific race, for no disabilities or even a specific AGE is alright. Honestly, this just seems like another one of those things that people say to make them feel better about themselves..."I only want a white, healthy infant...BUT...I'm better than YOU because I don't care if it's a boy or a girl"...it's ridiculous!
I think it is your right and that of your husbands to specify a gender if it is your desire. It is no different than asking to adopt a child from China or Russia, or to be one of the families who only adopts a special needs child. It has been my experience that most parents adopt because they feel a void in their life and are wanting to fill that void so if a girl is what is going to fill that void, then by all means request your gender specific baby and make your family complete and give her all the love and affection that you have given those boys.
Amen my friend. You know I get it. You deserve your dream and you deserve it without judgement. You are an AMAZING woman with enormous love to give. Don't let anyone take this precious time in your life and turn it into anything other than what it should be. A CELEBRATION of child, coming home to the mother who by HIS GRACE was chosen to love, nurture and cherish her!
Here here!!! Tell it like it is!!! I agree with you 100%.
Oh Kathi...I hope that you will take this is as it is meant....just my feelings about gender specification with no intent to hurt you or in any way diminish the joy and anticipation of bringing a precious little baby to join your family.
As you know, both of my boys are adopted. I had the idea of a little girl in my mind from the first day we walked into the agency...I suppose most women do dream of pink lacey dresses and frilly socks and ribbons and pigtails....but both times, the agency called with news of a little boy, and my thoughts of all things sugar and spice flew out the window. And it was okay...it was great in fact, because all I ever wanted to be was a mother. And now I'm the mother of two handsome, talented, rowdy, stinky, fun-loving boys, who will not dare wear pink even though I declare "REAL MEN wear PINK" on a daily basis! And I could not be happier or more grateful that God made me the mother of two boys.
As a child, I would go in to the nursery at our church every Sunday, cajol the nursery workers to let me hold a baby, and sit for as long as I could cuddling a baby almost as big as I was. I became a teacher because I love kids. When it was confirmed that I should NOT have children because of my heart problems, adoption was a natural choice for us. The agency did ask us if about our preference, but we didn't choose to choose. Which reminds me of one of my favorite stories...
When Bennett (my redhead) was about 2 years old, I was sitting in a restaurant with him when an elderly lady approached our table. She said she hated to interrupt but wanted us to know how much she'd enjoyed watching my little redhead and me. She went on to say that 50 years ago she and her husband were working with an agency to adopt a child. The agency called them and asked if they would consider a baby born with red hair. We both laughed and I told her that Bennett was adopted and that our agency hadn't posed that question. She told me then that they had adopted a son but he did not have red hair. We went on to talk in that secret language adoptive mothers share...stories of dissappointment, helplessness, longing for a child to love, and of course the joys of adoption. As she left our table, I called her back and asked her what she and her husband told the agency. She looked directly at me and said, "We told them we'd take a baby born with purple hair!" I knew exactly how she felt.
So I guess as an adoptive mother myself, I can't understand your longing for a girl, especially since you have three beautiful, healthy little boys. I also wonder what effect this will have on your boys...will they someday come to think that they just didn't cut it? That having been born a male, especially the last two little fellows, made mom cry and take drastic measures to a secure a female child for the family. Again, I may be saying hurtful things, but it is not my intention. You seem to welcome other viewpoints...I only hope that you will understand that this is the way I feel.
I know that you are and will be a wonderful mother. God bless you all!
Lisa
I'm just thrilled to meet other adoptive parents (or prospective)- we had 2 little boys and then adopted a third. I've always thought it was kind of funny because one might think I'd want a girl (which I did) but, this was our baby - ordained by God and it is just the way it is. I hope it works out for you but you never know- God could have you fall in love with another boy :) I'm sure you'd follow His lead. Oh, and with my second son, I cried, and I decorated his room as "foofy" as possible (it was beautiful actually) I really thought I had to have a girl. Now, I cannot imagine life any different than exactly like it is. I'm the queen of my castle and the boys LOVE their mommy :) God's hand is on adoption. If your heart is willing to follow His lead - the rest isn't really for others to worry about. God bless your little family- enjoy every moment of the journey!
Thank you for your honesty! Just like I felt after I read your book, I completely understand! We have three boys and I have always felt like there is a space missing for a daughter. The boys ask about a sister often. We're open to adoption as well.
Thnk you again for being real and honest!
i just found your blog & i have been wondering for a few yrs now why am i so sad i didn't get my girl.. it makes me cry, im mad i feel this & i feel horrible for feeling this way.. Thank You for this blog & i will be buying your book.. maybe i can start to be the happy mom i was.. my youngest son at the ultrasound the tech said its a boy & i had an irritated look on my face & she said "what is you hub going to say" & i said "umm Sorry" i got a bad look from her on that... but really, i left crying.. i then returned baby girl clothes for the 2nd time.. i do love my boys i just need some time..
I know this is an old post but I just found your blog. I've tried posting on the babycenter adoptive families site but I'm kind of getting pummeled over there.
I feel the same way. Tired of wanting and tired of apologizing for it. Your story gives me hope.
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