Another all boy mom I know just gave birth to her 6th child. A girl. Finally. Now she can be done, she says. Why don't you have another one, it could be a girl, she professes, high on the fact that her body has finally given her a girl child after five boys. Seriously? I should just keep having kids until I have a daughter? Does that disregard the other three children I still have to parent, mostly alone, I might add. She told me several boys ago that she would have as many children as it took to have a daughter. And now she has her. And even though that child is only a few months old, she is thinking she should have another one, so people don't think she kept having kids until she had a girl. And mabye she would get a bonus girl at that. Am I missing something? I have dear friends who wanted large families. I get that. They wanted 6 plus kids. I can see that. You have as many kids as you want to have, everyone has a limit or a thought in their mind of what their family will be comprised of. But to have children just to have a specific gender? I don't know about that.
To me, gender disappointment has taught me more about life. About believing in God's word that my time will come. Either a daughter, a daughter in law, a grand daughter, a great grand daughter, or a girl not even related who will come into our lives and become as a daughter to us. There are many ways to influence a young woman. There are many ways to mother.
Could I have another child? Yes. Physically, all of that is working. Emotionally I could adore another child as I adore my sons. But at almost 40, do I want to do that again? I can't answer that and I find I am jealous of my friend who is older than I am, but still can say she wants more. Even as she parents her now six children. If I look honestly at it, her husband works from 9-5 or less every day. He is off each weekend. She gets the emotional support and the physical support of him taking the kids to school each day, going to every sporting event, helping out on weekends. His parents live close by and take her children a few times a month in shifts so they can spend time with some of their children, or even alone. She stays home each day, every day. She doesn't care if she exercises, she does not volunteer in her kids classes, or in the community. She raises her babies. And they are good kids, really. She can do it. She has the support. I do not. Face it. That's how my life is.
Am I jealous? Probably. As I hold her sweet girl and stare at the beautiful dresses and bows. But what am I willing to do about it? Nothing. I'm leaving it to God, and hoping that, like Abraham, he will bless me in the end. The wimps way out?? Maybe so.
What do you think? Would you keep having kids until you got your desired gender, or would you stop and thank God for the blessing that have come and move on with the other stages in life???
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7 comments:
You feel about the exact same way I do! As you know I have 3 boys as well, and lost a set of twin boys. I wish I did not have the feeling of "missing something" when I see all my friends with their adorable frilly little girls, but I may have 6 more boys before I ever get that girl and how fair is that to my 3 boys I have already. I too enjoy being part of my community and the boys school. I also have a husband who works crazy hours and heck I even have to do vacations with the boys with out my husband. I just can not imagine doing that with 3 or 4 more kiddos in tow. I am so lucky God blessed me with 2 gorgeous nieces and 1 more on the way. I guess I will just leave it in his hands now to make me feel full filled. He has a plan for us friend and we have to trust he will do what is best for us. I am so lucky to have met a friend like you to share these feelings with! Thank you my fellow Mommy of three amazing beautiful boys!
~Theresa
My dear friend. You probably know just how I feel. Would I keep going? I certainly had/have the desire for a girl as strongly has one could, but not at all costs. I had as many as I emotionally could, and that was that. Like you, I will wait. For the daughter-in-law, grand-daughter, etc... Until then, I will revel in the joy and enthusiasm my 4 boys bring me. And I am happy.
Ugh....good question!
Somedays, I think.... I would keep having children until I had a daughter or two. I love my boys, and wouldnt mind a few more if they came along before a girl.
Other days, I think... My max was really 2 or 3 children and I refused to see it because I couldnt give up hope that "the next one will be a girl"!
Financially, we probably shouldnt have had even one. Physically, I have help from my husband, and my in-laws here and there.
Where do I draw the line??? I talked my husband into try #3 and try #4, because I was resenting him for taking MY dream away of having a daughter. If I keep talking him into #5, #6, #7.....at what point will he start resenting me for changing HIS life plan????
I will soon be welcoming boy #4, and finally have found contentment and peace with being an all boy Mom.
Will I always long for a daughter, yes. Will I always wonder why it wasnt in the cards for me, yes. Will I always get sad seeing pretty little dresses and hairbows, yes.
Will I embrace the life of 4 boys, yes. Will I love my boys without limits, yes.
There are much worse things in life than never having a daughter, and sometimes I have to remind myself of that.
Great post Kathy. I hear that all the time "you going to try for a girl?". I desire more children, but I don't dream for a girl. I think I just love babies! I'd be happy with another boy. I think if I had a girl I'd feel lost! After 3 boys what would I do with a girl? It's fun to wonder what life would be like with a girl, but I'm sure everyone wonders about something. Life with sons, daughters, large family, only child, we all imagine the what ifs. I think to keep having babies to fulfill a gender is a bit much. To have that many for the simple desire for a large family seems fine though. Double standard? Maybe.
Oh how true you are my friend!!! I am right there with you (only I can't have another one even if I wanted to try). I did have as many as I could emotionally handle and let me tell you this is not the wimps way out!!!! Mothering boys is an EXTREME sport and not for the faint at heart!!!!!! Thank you for this blog and for your precious thoughts!!!! You, like me have those boys more by yourself than with your hubby. And with no family near by it does make a difference as to what you can handle. If I had a village I might have 6 kids too!!! Love you girl.
This is really wonderfully written Kathy. There will never be a perfect answer to all of our questions and concerns, as life keeps evolving, every day, all of the time. And what we thought might be good for us at one point in life, may not be so at another. Wanting what we do not have is an age old human desire/emotion...but in the long run, and getting to the basics, a child is a child no matter the gender. They need parenting the same, regardless of their being a boy or a girl and you are a SUPER smart mama for figuring that out (and also learning to be content with what you DO have!)! You have realized that given your personal circumstances, God has provided for you what you are capable of handeling, what is right for YOU. You are a mom of boys. Wonderfu, smart, caring, warm, funny, and LOVING boys. And they are who they are mostly because of you! And in addition to that, I LOVE that you have opened yourself up physically and emotionally toward the idea of "mothering" or influencing a girl/woman out there someday, somehow! You have accepted your circumstances, and are evolving to still try and meet your desire to have that "girl/mother" bond- you are just doing it in a way that will suit your circumstances. These are and will continue to be your amazing stregnths. Keep writing about it all, not only is it good for you, but I bet your thoughts, feelings and ideas are reaching out and influencing way more people than you think!!!
One of the most amazing gifts God has given me through this ride of raising boys, is the awesome bond with other mothers. Be it a mom with all girls, or all boys, or both genders. There are those women who get me and I adore that. Every time something like this comes up, I remind myself that God told me it would happen in His time. His way. I hold on to that. And each time I ask for an angel to help me along the road, they have been there. My walk as a mother has evolved from what I thought it would be, but I know that I am a better mother because of not getting what I saw in my mind's eye. What I once believed was my biggest disappointment is actually my hugest blessing. I am a Mother. Something I always wanted to be. How dare I ask for more. But I am human too. :) Thank you, my friends, for walking this walk with me. I couldn't do it without you!
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