Thursday, November 4, 2010

For the child of my heart.


Eleven years ago, I was transformed from a mere woman, to a mother. The object of that transformation was a 35 week, 5lb 8oz little boy who captured my heart long before I ever laid eyes on him. I vividly remember wanting so badly to be pregnant. Trying desperately month after month to conceive a child only to be disappointed time after time again. In February 1999, my dreams were answered! Only weeks later, at 9w 2days, to have a horrible bleed and thinking I lost that dream. It does no good at that point, to know that 7 out of 10 women miscarry their first pregnancy. I wanted THIS child. I know the fear of calling an OB/GYN and being told that there is nothing they can do. To wait and see. I bleed and pass clots all the while thinking you are losing your child. Luckily, for us, we had access to u/s machines and quickly knew that our little one was still alive and kicking. That I seem to grow polyps outside of my cervix that grow and pop. And bleed a lot. But comfortably growing inside was a small gift from God. I never took a day for granted. At that point, I knew we were having a son. In my gut, I knew that this baby was a child for me, a child of my heart. I would name him Kadin. It is arabic and means companion, friend. For that is how I felt. It was he and I. At 17 weeks Dave and I went to the maternal fetal medicine doctor to check him out and make sure things looked healthy. Just as I predicted, our baby was a boy! In the car, I handed Dave a small outfit that was green. On the front it had snips and snails, on the back, puppy dog tails. How I loved that outfit! :) As time went by and I got huger than life, the miracle of growing a small life was never far away. Even for the neighbor man who quiety stood by the ladder I climbed when I painted the outside of our house at 5 months pregnant, to the neighbors across the street who checked on me during the eyes of hurricanes. I was surrounded by people who felt invested in this small life, even though my family was so far away, and my husband worked long hours. A few days before Halloween, I was in Kmart and felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I had on white shorts and a red top. It felt like the bathroom grew further and further away the faster I walked towards it. With what I thought was urine leaking from me, I made it, only to realize the horror show that awaited me. My white shorts were now red. Blood ran down my legs. The child I had felt blissfully tossing inside me, not felt like dead weight. I quickly cleaned up, and waddled out of the store. I did not have a cell phone so the drive to the hospital felt like 100 years long. Luckily, my OB was coming into the hospital the same time I was and took me straight to labor and delivery where my husband was working. Again, God showed his mercy and even though I was dilated and contracting, my baby was alive!! For the next week I walked around at 5 cm, 80% effaced and 34 weeks. I worked every day and rested every night. Life was a blur. Then one day at work, I got a call from Dave. He asked me to leave work and come to the hospital. It was time. An attending doctor had gotten ahold of my u/s of Kadin. He saw something that others did not. He acted like he was presenting a case to Dave. He gave my stats. He gave the details of what happened with the bleed. He asked Dave what he would do. Dave said without hesitation that there had been an abruption and to get the woman in and deliver her baby. The doctor firmly looked at Dave and told him. "Then call your wife!" As I drove to the hospital, I had no idea. I got hooked up, my water was broken. Port red wine fluid. I had abrupted partially. The next day, I pushed out at 5 am, the sweetest little guy ever! With his dark hair and his small body, the NICU team was on call in case he needed to be sent off. But at first gasp, my little man screamed! A healthy little boy born too early with a calcified placenta and an umbilical cord the size of angel hair pasta. There are all kinds of medical reasons on why this child should not have made it. But he did. And he came home the next day. From the moment of conception and before, he has been a dream of mine. That remains the same today. Kadin was always a watchful child. We learned cues from him on what people to trust, which to stay away from. He intuitively knew others feelings and could calm a sad heart with a touch. When we volunteered at the Nursing Home in the Alzeihmer's unit, this small child could warm the hardest of hearts. Never did any one of the residents become combative with him. Those that seemed lost would gather his small body close, listen to his jabber, and tell him stories of long ago as he stroked their faces. This is a child who not only eased my soul, but he does others. He has always been older than his years, an old soul. A child who reacts to my emotions before I even know what I am feeling. A child who sees what needs to be done to help, and does it without question. A companion. A friend.

On this day, November 4th, I once again thank God for the safe delivery of one of his angels. A child given to me for a short time. Every day that I watch this miracle grow, I am reminded that life is not in my hands. And that there is a greater purpose for Kadin in this world. I can't wait to continue to watch the story unfold.

Happy Birthday to the child of my heart. I adore you more than you can ever know. You are more than I deserve.