Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Do you ever wonder??

Since my Grandfather died last month, it has gotten me thinking. What do we leave behind when we go? What is there besides a house full of stuff that holds meaning to you, but maybe not to the people who are cleaning it out. No one is there to tell them those were your favorite pants, your go-to tie, the pillow you could only fall asleep using.  No one to tell the story about the trinkets, jewelry, gifts.... What is the legacy we leave behind when we go?

I wanted a thumb print necklace of Grandpa's thumbprint. My mother thought I had lost my mind. It was gruesome and odd. But to me, I remember my Grandpa's hands. How they were calloused and rough from years of working as a contractor. He had scars and marks that told a story of an 86 year old man's life. I loved those large, strong hands. Those hands that would help me bring in fish when I was little and fishing on the Mississippi river. Those hands that showed me how to hammer a nail. Those hands that were placed on my shoulders at the coffee shop when he introduced me as his "side kick" to all of his friends. There was love, in my Grandpa's hands. And when I wear that necklace, the memories of a lifetime with him flood me.

What will I leave behind? What will people think when they remember my name? Will the influence of anything I have done go further than the walls I live among? Will my kids ever say.."My mom did it this way.." Or "My mom said this..." Will friends see something in them that reminds them of me?

A few weeks ago I was at the gym. While doing my workout with my trainer, I was serious about something and must have had a determined and or grimacing look on my face. Afterwards, my oldest son's music teacher came up. He said to me that he always thought our son looked  like my husband but when I was making that face while lifting, he totally saw Kadin in me. It made my heart smile. To see a piece of me, in my son.

But what if I leave tomorrow. My job here in not finished. Raising these children is not done. True, I have no regrets, but I still have more I want to do. For God to use me to do more. It makes me think. What should I be doing differently? Where should my focus be? Where can I make the largest impact?? And then I remember.....I have four huge blessings in my life. It is within them that I will make the biggest impact. It is in their lives that my legacy will live on.

For just as remembering my Grandpa's hands, my children will remember mine. And my words. And my actions. And if I was there every morning, and tuck them in at night. If I listen to their dreams and fears. If I pick them up when they fall, patch their cuts and scrapes, and hug away their broken hearts. I am there in their smiles, or their frowns. I am there in the words they use to others. When they open doors for their neighbors. When they help complete strangers. When they pray. I am there. And I guess that has to be enough.  To know that in them, I will always live on. And somehow...that is enough.