Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Still the same, but different.

My mind swirls with how much difference a year can make. One.Short.Year. How we went from being a family of 5 to a family of 6 without missing a beat. As our finalization comes closer, I ache for the loss of one family but am joyous for the addition to our own. Adoption is such a conflicting state of mind. You are beyond estatic to add this person to your family. Whether an infant or an older child, yet you are devestated that someone had to lose out. Whether it be a young mother, or the child himself who may have not had the best of beginnings.

Sometimes we look at Elliana and we remember February 1, 2012 when the agency called and asked if we were interested in this situation. We cannot believe how God protected our child. We are not surprised, merely in awe. How this little being came from such a disasterous start, yet is perfect and on target in every way. I can remember Dave pouring over Elliana's mom's medical record and just shaking his head. But we trusted God's plan for us and moved forward. I sometimes think about if we had said no, it was too much of a risk, and what we would have missed out on.

On October 17, 2012, Elliana Marie will become an Asbery legally. It is a day that will put on paper what our hearts have known for almost 8 months. This is our daughter. This is the child that was not from my body, but from my heart and soul. This is the child we waited for but did not know would exist.

I'm a boy mom. I know boys. I adore boys. I champion boys. I will ALWAYS be a boy mom. My boys made me a mom first. They taught me so much and I adore them. It's been a weird adjustment to say 'Kids' instead of 'Boys.' Sometimes I flounder in the middle ground of always being a boy mom to now being a mixed gender mom. Only someone that has walked this road would get that saying. Once you are an all one gender parent, in your mind, you always are. But one small girl changed that for us.

I have not left all of my disappointment feelings at the door. Having Elliana has not given me rose colored glasses. I still remember the hurtful comments from others. The same as a person with fertility issues does not forget those feelings of not getting pregnant even when they do conceive or adopt. They are still a part of me, of those of us who have walked this road. I sometimes feel it is important to let people know that. For all of my bravo at being a boy mom. For writing ALTERED DREAMS. For challenging the venacular of people who want to gender stereotype. I'm still that person. I still do those things. I still feel those things.

Yes, I now say 'kids' and have a daughter, but those experiences that made me who I am, the mother I am, the woman I am, they are still there. I am beyond thankful for the experience to raise a daughter with my boys. It is all I ever wanted. But I'm still me.