Sunday, October 23, 2011

our profiles

We're "live"

One more stop on this emotional roller coaster. This weekend we told my parents that we will be adopting. Since there is no "when" or "where from", it is confusing. There is not date to have a baby by. There is no season to make clothes. There is no nursery set up. There is nothing but this ambiguous "maybe baby" time that will last who knows how long, but no more than 18 months when we will pull the plug ourselves. Today's sermon was Standing Firm in Christ. Which is so hard at times when you have so many questions. To continue to walk in Faith and not by Sight. Our profiles are live now. Our pictures are being seen by birthmoms that may or may not connect with our pictures, our story. As each day passes, you feel like you are failing. That there is something wrong with you, and that is why you have not been chosen. That they do not like what you see, and you revert back to high school where everything is a popularity contest. Until our time is chosen, we remain dillegent in finishing our home study, enjoying our boys and each other, and keeping our eye on Christ who has promised us that it is now our time to complete our family.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The ball is rolling.....

Of course, I'm prepared for it to suddenly stop again at any time, but for now, we are on some forward mobility. One thing I've noticed about this adoption process, it's either feast or famine. Especially on the paperwork. We spent the last week getting a bunch of pictures together to show what our lives are like. Dave and I together, the family, us in action shots, our house(which it rained for days so it took forever to get those taken!), the animals, the whole nine yards. Not only do we have to purge our life stories onto paper, but we also do into pictures for the world to see. But that is finished, finally. Sent in. Received. We have our first home study appointment scheduled for the second of November. Susan, our caseworker, should be getting our initial paperwork for background checks today and will help us get our digitalized fingerprints at DCFS. I have had my TB test. Dave needs to get his chest xray. But after she lets us know what to do with our fingerprints, there is nothing to do until after Disney. So nothing will be looming over our heads. Thank you, Jesus!

I'm eager to go to Disney this year. Normally, I overlook the little girls. With an ache in my gut at their cute little outfits. Now little boys are adorable too, but I've been there, done that. Thrice. I usually look over their sweet little heads and focus on how great it is to have my sweet boys. It's easy to do. But this year, I wonder if I will feel differently? Now that possibly next year I will have my own daughter to traipse around with.

This journey has brought on a lot of introspection. A lot of self talk. A lot of wonderment on my walk in life. Walking by Faith and not by Sight is not easy for me, but I'm learning. Slowly, I'm learning.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

More Lamenting.......

I think I may drive everyone involved crazy throughout this ordeal. My adoption caseworker, the media worker, the attorney, my homestudy caseworker.....thankfully my family is spared at this time. Maybe later I will take my anxiety out on them. But for now, they are blissfully aware of the war that rages inside of me. I guess I am a little OCD...ok, I give, a lot. I want things done. I want them done correctly. And I want to have it done yesterday. Going through the adoption process is not like that. I want to Tango, it's more of a slow waltz. Although I understand why, since every i needs dotted twice, every t crossed just so, still, it drives me mad. I have waited to be contacted by the media department. I have driven Michelle, my AC crazy, I know it. Asking..always asking..what is the time frame? Why haven't they contacted me? Is it by email? Is it by paper? What is the deal?? She is so patient. Finally, today, they contacted me. I should have enjoyed the reprive!

They will be building a profile on four sites. And a you tube video. I have to have different birth mother letters for each site, a page about our home and family, a two page questionnaire filled out for another site, and then 50+ photos for each site. Which cannot be the same. ACK! I have a million pictures of my sons. Doing everything under the son. But I do not have 40 pictures of Dave and I. Or just of me. Or just of Dave. This is going to take some work.

And then I have to send it all in on a USB stick. A what? I guess I will educate myself about all of that as well. I'm thankful for friends that remind me of the hassles I went through when I was pregnant. The first trimester trouble. This is it in adoption world. Guess I better get started!

Monday, October 10, 2011

I'm not going public with this, yet I am. How do you explain that? Well, only my "followers" will get a front row seat into our lives for a bit. The rest will have to catch up later. I've been hesitant to share this journey, yet I realized at church on Sunday where the minister was speaking about the fear of failure, that I really should be an open book on this road as well. Why not, I have every other journey I've been on. People have known about my adoration of my sons, yet my desire to parent a daughter as well. That is no secret. Heck, ALTERED DREAMS has all of my thoughts and feelings in it. I am the proverbial open book!

So, we are beginning a new journey. Adoption is the new pregnancy in the Asbery household. Yes, you read correctly. Dave, the boys, and I are adopting a baby girl. We don't know where she will come from, or when she will come, but we are in the beginning of the process. We have an agency. We have sent off our fingerprints. We have instigated a home study. We have a name. We have a few sleepers, a package of diapers, a diaper bag, but no baby. This is one of the craziest things I have ever done.

First was the shock that my husband wanted to do this in the first place. But he is a good man. He knows my heart. He knows how much I would love to have a daughter. And I admit, I was happy with my all boy family, but still felt there was something missing. I still felt left out. All of the sudden, this dream is a reality. We are going to have a baby girl. Sometime. Then the calls to agencies, deciding which one, did we really want to do this? To disrupt our lives? Things have gotten SO easy with the boys. Were we up for starting over again? Yes, we are. Then the signing and the waiting. Why are they not operating on yesterday-time like we are? Why don't we have her already? We have waited for YEARS for her.....

The boys are beyond excited. We talked to them about it before we embarked on this journey. I told Dave that if even ONE of them says no, it's a done deal. We will not move forward if any of our sons are against it. Unanimously, they wanted a sister. I could hear God speaking..I told you, in MY time...well, now I say it's YOUR time. So I am walking in Faith, not by Sight. On one of rides of my life.

This week we wait. We have turned in our application with the Adoption Network Law Center. We have had consultation calls, follow up calls, calls from their attorneys. We have filled out paperwork and sent money. We have exchanged pictures. We have shared our news with a few friends. We bought sleepers. We had our fingerprints done for the FBI. That was crazy. With Liam and Cullen looking on, we were fingerprinted at our local police department. Talking about living in the South and adopting. That along with five pages of notes, we sent them off to Clarksburg, VA to see if we have hidden records (Lord, please no!). Then came the application for the homestudy. Pages after pages of notes, written, filled out, questions about family, youth, relationships, children, beliefs, the whole nine yards and finally, that was sent off with a fee. Now we are waiting. Waiting for the welcome pack from ANLC to start our media and bio sections, as well as our birthmother letter (which I have written about 6 times!). Waiting for the FBI report (up to 8 wks!), and waiting for the LifeLink home study to approve our application and set up a visit (before Christmas please!). Through all of this, we hold a secret, close to our hearts. Except for the few that know.......and now you. Stay tuned! More excitement and frustration to follow, I'm sure!