Monday, January 31, 2011

On the Eve of my 40th Birthday

We grow neither better or worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.

~ May L. Becker ~

I guess on every birthday I begin to pontificate about what the year behind me has brought. Have I grown? Have I righted wrongs? Have I been the best that I could be at any given time. Those are hard questions at times, and sometimes I do not like the truthful answer. Am I a good mother? A good wife? A faithful friend? A Christian in all the sense? Do I walk the walk of my talk? Again, sometimes I do better than others. But my New Years resolution this year was to be kind to myself. I have spent the last 40 years trying to prove something. To prove I could run fast. To prove I was worthy of love. To prove I could carry a fuller than full load in college. To prove I could diagnose and treat patients with the best of them. To prove I could obtain the things I wanted out of life. To be a good daughter. To raise good sons. Now I just want to breathe more and enjoy life. For the past few years, I have gone with the saying that if someone does not fill my cup, they have no place in my life. I have been brought down by people I gave more control to than they deserved. I'm sure in life, others have given me that control as well. I am more apt to see both sides now, where in my younger years, there was just a black and white side. If you didn't agree with me, you were against me. I no longer feel that way. I enjoy friends who are like minded, but friends who make me think out of the box I seem to gravitate to as well. Friends from all walks of life. All religions. I want to know them all.

But mostly I want to be kinder to myself. To realize life is not about losing those last five pounds. Or if my stomach is not as taunt as it used to be. Or if my car is not the newest. My house is not fanciest. My kids are not perfectly dressed at all moments. Or me either. But that my door is always open to those who need something. That my arms are always willing to hug and to help. That my heart is open to those who may not be like me. That my children always know how important they are to me. That my husband knows that we are a team. That life can be taken at a moment's notice and I never want to live with an "I wish" on the horizon.

So on this eve of my 40th birthday, I want to be excited about what the next 40 years will bring. The growing of my children, the deepening of love, the grandchildren that may come. Daughter in laws to adore. Life being lived to the fullest. Not with stipulations. But for the sheer joy of living this life God has given me. It's been good so far. I only expect it to get better! Because after all, you're only as old as you feel. And I feel GREAT!