Monday, September 3, 2012

Emotional ties to a month.

There are a few months of the year that bring memories for me. The months we conceived our children, the months they were born. The month we were married. The months that hold my birthday and Dave's. My parents and siblings birthdays and anniversaries. These are happy events. Times that bring remembering fondly the joy and laughter that have been brought into my life. A good looking back.

September used to bring horrible memories. Of being on a romantic trip to Paris. On a plane headed home. Of being re routed and not allowed to return to the US. Of a 5 day stay in Holland, lightyears away from our small son and our families. The attacks of the US of 9/11 were forever etched in my mind. I can still lay awake late at night and see a slide show of that horrible day where so many were lost and our lives were changed forever.

But now that blow of 9/11 has been cushioned by another day in September. A day where my world once again shifted on it's axis. A day I had prayed for but never believed would happen. Sitting on our back deck, Dave told me he thought he could adopt a daughter one day. Words I never thought I would ever hear floated away on the wind of our backyard. I will never be able to describe the feelings of that day, much like another day ten years before. And just like that, a ball that God had put into motion long ago, began to pick up speed.

On September 20, 2011, we had our first phone contact meeting with our adoption agency, Adoption Network Law Center. A call that would change our lives. A call that was gut wrenching, hopeful, and yet full of disbelief. One step towards a little girl in our family. The first step that would be added to so many more that would show me the greatness of our God through prayer, support, and faith unseeing. And a ton of paperwork.

This past year has been my biggest walk of faith. From a dream of a daughter with my second pregnancy, to whispered words of 'Not in your time, but my time' five years later. The resounding voice in my head that told me this was MY time, never left my side. Our God is a faithful God. His plan is perfect. When I let go, God stepped in. I know what a blessing this answered dream is, because so many do not get it. And I feel unworthy but so very grateful.

A month that held such grief, as well as the joy of my sister in law, Johnna's birthday, now brings amazement to me. Looking back to the gamet of emotions felt. The fear, the hope, the renewed trust in my husband as each hoop that needed jumped, he was first in line for. The telling of people that we were doing this awesome thing, and their reactions. The people who didn't agree, those who burst into tears, and those who were in constant prayer and vigilance with us. And the waiting to meet a small girl who was so unknown in the physical world, but already part of our family in my heart.

One year ago I would have never guessed the things I would learn. About my husband, about our boys, about myself and my family. I would have never suspected the comforting feeling of knowing friends were praying near and far for us to be unified with a small soul. That our hopes and dreams would be carried heavenward by so many people who wished this wish for us. With us. For although at times I was discouraged and fearful and cried, I have never felt so protected and loved. I will never forget how this small child was prayed over by a villiage, long before we knew of her existence. And how although at times my steps faltered, I never stoped walking by faith and not by sight.

October 4, 2011, we signed with ANLC and began our journey in earnest. And many of you know how the story goes. Our profiles went live sooner than expected. In ten days instead of the 21 they quoted. We started our home study on Nov 4, 2011 and it was completed five weeks later. Before Christmas we were given an ornament that had six names on it. A dream realized by others. Proof our daughter was on her way. Wherever she was. Little did we know that across the US in November, a young mother sought medical care for her pregnancy for the first time in an ER. And that she would visit that ER again in December. And in January she would contact the very agency we were signed up with. And talk to the same people who knew our desires and dreams. We had no idea last September that on my birthday in February we would be matched with that brave young lady who carried our destiny in her womb. A young lady that we grew to love even before we met her daughter.

I'm glad I didn't know how the journey would go. Only the belief that it would unfold as it should. The opportunity to have a daughter in our lives was enough on that day. It was more than I ever had before. My 4 1/2 month paper pregnancy began this month a year ago. And unbelievably, our daughter sleeps upstairs.

For those who walked this walk with us, Supported us, Prayed for us, Rejoiced with us, Prayed for us some more, went to the steps of your churches and asked God to hear your prayers and ours, and never lost YOUR faith, we thank you. We could not have walked this path alone.