I will always be MotheringBoys

I've had a few people ask me how my other boy moms have responded to us adopting a girl. How I will no longer be "MotheringBoys" and how this effects those who have followed me through my journey in gender disappointment and raising of my cherished children. It kind of made me stop in my tracks to think. What do those who have turned to me (and others) in their hour of need think? Have I disappointed them more by pursuing this dream? Do they think I did not mean the things I said?

After much pondering and seeing discussions on various boards with my all boy mommy friends, and my friends who have walked the disappointment with me, I have come to the conclusion that no one begrudges me the fact that our dream may soon come true.

See, those of us with one gender families who always wished for a child of the opposite gender have a special bond. We never once say how we feel goes away. Yes, we learn to live the good life with all of our children because from the beginning, we know it isn't about that child, its the dream in our mind's eye. We endure the taunts. We see the pity in other people's eyes because we are "less than." To those who do not experience gender disappointment, they will not get what I am saying. But my dear friends who do, you know this is for you.

I never said I let go of the dream of having a daughter in my life. I never said I was over the fact I would never have an adult relationship with a child of my own. I never said that I had totally let go of my GD.

But I have said how wonderful my life is with my three little men. I have said how I have learned to appreciate where I am in life, to find joy and interact with my children because I don't know how long I hold their hands. I have found cute ways to dress my boys, relate to my boys, to wholeheartedly accept and love my boys. But, I have never let go of my daughter dream.

And I think in there lies the difference. People who know me in real life or have been my online friend for years know that this struggle has always layed in my heart. They know that given the chance to have a daughter in my life, I would have taken it (and I have!). They know I have reached out to young girls in our community to mentor them. The know I never said the desire had gone away.

In ALTERED DREAMS, my story is out there. Other people's stories are out there. We wanted to bring to the public awarenss that these feelings are normal and ok. And we did. While holding hands with each other. Along this route in my life, I have met such amazing, strong, loving men and women. I have sang with joy with them over new births, new homes, continued education. I have cried with them over lost pregnancies, divorce, financial issues, and depression.

When I look beside me to see if anyone is angry with me, do you know what I see? Total joy. Some jealousy, of course, I would feel that way if it were one of my other friends as well. But when I look around at the faces, when I hear the voices on the phone, when I see their writing to me on my blog, in emails, on BBC, or Facebook, I see joy. Because in our little community where no one wants to be, someone is getting their dream.

So no, no one has pointed their finger at me and called me a hypocrite. No one has told me I do not deserve to hold Elliana because I am to be the poster child of gender disappointment forever. On the contrary, Elliana has a slew of adopted Aunts, Uncles, and cousins that have prayed for her arrival into our lives. Who have prayed for this road we are on. Who continue to pray through this final stretch to bring her to us.

When I look around, I am humbled by the love, support, blessings, and prayers that surround my family. I thank each of you. For walking with me in my past journeys, and continuing to stay by my side now. We're still in this together.

What's in a name?

In our family, we love what names mean. I'm not sure where that comes from. I don't think my parents chose names based on what their meaning was, only that they liked them. I was supposed to be Sarah Lynn. But my dad did not like it because it was too close to Sarah Lee, the snack cake lady. ;) So I became Katherine. Katherine in itself means "pure." Dave's name means "beloved." I'm not sure his mother chose his name based on it's meaning either. But for us, my main goal has been to pick a name that has a strong meaning for our children.

When I was pregnant with Kadin, it was a struggle to come up with a name that both of us liked. While cruising the internet baby name sites late one night with pregnancy insomnia, I came across the name Kadin. It is Arabic and means "Companion, friend." That described my relationship with Kadin to a T. When I was upset, he flailed about inside me. Twisting and turning until I had to focus completely on breathing and calming down. From the moment he was born, we were inseperable. Even today, if I am upset, he will sense it even if we are not in the same room. He is internally connected to me. My oldest son. When he was born in 1999, there were a little over 200 boys named Kadin in the USA. ALL of them were Caden (which means swampland by the way) and then my one Kadin. :) I loved that!

While pregnant with Cullen, I had a harder time with boy names. We were supposed to be having a girl and there weren't any boy names that really jumped out at me. We had settled on the name Gabriel. I'd have a Kade and a Gabe. But for some reason, it just didn't fit my little guy. Dave came up with the name Cullen based on an old war hero. It's Gaelic and means "Handsome." And when I gaze into my second son's eyes, I know that name fits like a glove. We named our little guy long before twilight and the Cullen's that have come since then.

With Liam, we vacillated between Fisher (my maiden name) and Liam. Liam is Gaelic as well and means "determined guardian." I felt that after all the low tech swaying we did to produce a girl child which was really a boy child, he was one determined boy! His name has fit him as well. He loves deeply, protects those close to his heart, and is such a joyful little guy. Again, his name was not popular at the time of his birth but has become more so since then.

With our daughter, the name was always going to be Delaney Katherine. Anyone who knows me, knows that was our name since 1999. In 2010, we gave that name to our miniature American Eskimo puppy. Otherwise known as Laney. :) Dave loved that name because it was Jimmy Buffet's daughter's name.

So when it came to naming our soon to be daughter, we were back at the beginning. Looking through baby name sites and books. Early on in our hunt, I was online and had jotted down a few names. I knew I wanted a Hebrew name. Or something religious. It seemed to fit where we are in our lives, and the journey that would bring her to us through adoption. While hunting, I came across the name Eliana (Elliana, Ellianna, Elianna). We have a friend who's daughter shares that same name. Although I loved it, I wanted to respect their naming their daughter that and move on to something else that wasn't used in our close circle. Elliana is the spelling I adored. The name is Hebrew and means "The Lord answers prayers." It was perfect, but I was moving on. Or so I thought. The site became stuck on that page. Each time I refreshed, it would stick again. Each time I would move forward on a page, it would move back. Then I shut the computer down and when it came back up, it was on that site, on that page, with that name again. I searched no longer and asked our friends if they minded if we used the same name. When God speaks, one needs to listen! :) So Elliana became our name for our little girl.

How do you chose names for your children? Do you look at the meaning? Shout it outside three times? Make an online poll? Use family names? I love to hear stories of how others name their kids. :)

(BTW, our cat's name is Lilly because she was born on Easter. She's our Easter Lilly. :) )

The Gender Issue

The question of the week on the adoption facebook pages seems to be whether or not you should request gender when adopting. Seriously? This is what my life keeps boiling down to? When will the gender issues in my own life be over? I keep trying to explain my position on various pages until I'm exhausted. It's like real life. Except now I'm older so I realize, what they say doesn't really matter in the wide scheme of my life. This is MY life. I can make the choices in it with my husband and children and if they are good choices for US....the rest of the world can live with it.

Gender first became an issue in 2002 when we found out we were having our second son and not the million dollar family of a boy and a girl. At that same time, a friend was battling with infertility and adopting from Russia. Guess what? They specified a girl. She later bore a biological son. I had two sons.

Then we looked into adoption and were told we were absurd for wanting to specify gender. We were told of the hundreds of stories of people who were just trying to have ONE baby. ANY baby. Yes, I got it. My sister sufferred from infertility for SIX YEARS before finally conceiving her oldest daughter. Yes, she was gender wishful. A girl. We went on to have our own biological child again, another boy.

Plain and simple, I want the opportunity to parent a girl child. I want the bows, the frills, the tea parties, the obnoxious Barbie shoes that will mingle with the legos in my life. And darn it, I'm tired of apologizing for that desire. I want a grown up relationship with my daughter, whatever that may be. I want to see things through her eyes. I want to be the mother of the bride. I want to watch my husband with a pink bundle. To watch him dance with her. To stop being excluded from Mother/Daughter lunches, spa days, and picture options. (not that I let those terms stop me. Those who know me, know I've shown up with a boy or two in tow to picture sessions and lunches).

So why am I still haunted by this? Our journey to adoption and hopefully one day through it is gender specific. It is. We are adopting to add a daughter to our family. And I think that is ok. If we did not have any children would I be gender specific? Probably not. Maybe gender wishful, like I was during my pregnancies, but not specific. I wanted a boy at first. Got him! Wanted a girl next...still waiting. But in the mean time I have two other amazing little boys that I adore and love with every fiber of my being.

I guess I get all in knots when people say you should not be gender specific in adoption but you can be race specific, single vs twin birth specific, and special needs specific. Really? So, in real life, when I get pregnant, I must just take what I get, but if I adopt I am shunned because I want a girl, even though I said I'd take any race, and we would look into some special needs issues. Because really, the last time I looked, I took what I got from the womb three times before.

Ok, so that is not really fair because my husband and I are of the same race so chances were pretty much a score that our babies would look like us. But what if I were raped like a friend of mine was and the race was questionable. Would I not have accepted that child? I would have. A child is a gift from God. And health..yes, I knew what went into my body so chances were the baby would have the highest hopes of being healthy, but we all know there are chromosomal abnormalities, traumas in the womb, traumas at birth, and even afterwards with the fear of Autism. So again, I took what I got from the womb three times.

To me, this is just another way to finger point. We all want the same thing. A child in arms. A child to raise and love and nurture and hopefully gaze into their eyes as we die as old people and they are still vivacious and healthy. So why do this to each other? Why are we finding another way to make our choices and our decisions more right than someone elses. We all have our journeys that bring us to adoption. Infertility, child loss, gender specificity, or just wanting to add to our families with the heart of adoption. It should connect us, not drive us further from each other.

And that's all I got to say about that...........

Happy Birthday!

When I woke up this morning, it was a regular type of day. Getting the kids ready, getting myself ready for work, dropping kids off, planning the rest of the day. Little did I know that God had big things in store for my 41st birthday. For the last 18 months I have been working on making myself stronger. My physical body ready to battle through middle age. This year, I vowed to work on my spiritual side. To keep strong in mind and body. And to let God guide my feet. Not an easy task for a Type A person who wants to be in control. Not easy at all!

Our adoption remains at the top of my mind. Swirling among doctor appts, school functions, and sports. I'm no longer eyeing the phone. Daring it to ring with a toll free number. I'm no longer jumping at every email. Frankly, since we decided to open our home study for Russia, I feel at peace. Elliana will come one way or another.

At work, I talk with our fabulous new recruit, Laura. She is taking over my job. She is perfect for it and I love watching her shine with enthusiasm for getting and keeping people healthy. What a find she is!

I head home to change clothes into my walking clothes before Linda comes to remeasure the bathroom wall for one last time. Then a walk with some girlfriends. I can't wait. I feel spent from lack of sleep the night before. I feel beat down. The Bible verse I read this morning keeps coming to mind..."Isn't it great that when God says he'll do something, he always does!"

Driving to pick up Liam I get a call....BLOCKED. Worried that it's Laura needing something, or something is wrong with my Grandma, I answer.

Hi Kathy? This is Cynthia from Adoption Network Law Center. How are you?

I'm good! How are you doing?

Great! Kathy, I work with birthmother's here at ANLC and I have a girl I would like to present to you to see if you would agree to be presented to her....

(At this point...Kmart is looking like a great crash site! I sit at a green light waiting to turn wondering if it is green or red, or am I really DRIVING MY CAR!?!?)

Um, ok.....will this conversation make me wreck my car??

Well, you may want to pull over!

How do you explain the rush of tears. When you know the balance of your life is right then being held in the hands of someone else. I turn to God. God...please, your will be done. I will go where you follow. But God, it IS my birthday!

Later tonight when we talked to our expectant mom, I am humbled once again. I cannot believe this amazing young woman can stand in this between ground. Her comment of "I want placing my daughter to be the ONE thing in my life I do right." goes straight to my heart. After the call, Dave states he wants to adopt the EM too. So do I. Realizing how we are all one decision away from bad things, it is scary. Our EM is young. Scared. Too street smart for her age. And too alone. Her life story sears my heart as I take notes to put in Elliana's journal. I want her to know every tidbit of her mother that I can. I hang on to her every word. She is from Ohio...so am I. She has a strong relationship with her Grandfather who is a farmer in KY...like Dave. She loves music, art, writing, reading....ok, is this really our child??? She is quite good at charcoal drawing. She wants her daughter to always be encouraged. To be allowed to have wings to be what she wants. And she wants us to guide those wings. I have no words.

Elliana is not a gift to us. She is a child. She is a dream come true. She is the missing link of our family and we do not know what to say to this young woman-child who wants to provide her for us. How can you tell someone thank you? Thank you for reaching inside me and finding the one things that I treasure. For putting them into a small body for safekeeping. And then handing that child to me to watch those treasures unfold. Thank you seems so small........

I wish I had a picture of Cullen's face when I told him that his sister was on her way. I wish I could forever capture Kadin's bright smile at the news. And how we can finally, let Liam know, she will have a birthday. And we will know when it is.

Thank you God. For our small answered prayer. One that will impact our lives in big ways. I can hardly wait!

Traveling Trio

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know how things are going to turn out before I even leave the driveway. But yet, I continuously do it. Even after saying I would not.

We live in a small town. Right smack in the middle where two major highways join, but still, it's a small town. We do not have a book store. Yes, you heard right. No. Bookstore. Which is a horrible situation to be in, if you are my 12 year old son, the book whore. This kid can read like nobody's business. He's not like other kids that you struggle to keep in jeans. Or shirts. Or shoes and socks. Nope, books.

Sometimes on Amazon, or Barnes and Noble online, you cannot find which book comes next in a series. Which totally bugs Kadin as well. He has to read them in order. Heaven help him if he reads the 4th book and he has not read the 3rd book. So, I know a trip to a book store is in order. We have two options. A 45 min drive to the North.....or an hour drive to the South. Either way, I am going to be wearing my shoulders up around my ears by the time we get home.

We decide to go North. Less temptations and it is Sunday so things will not be open late enough for me to stay past dinner time. I load up my three boys and we head out. We are not even out of the subdivision before someone is crying that their DS will not work. I sigh and turn the music up louder.

The drive is actually uneventful, for which I"m thankful. DS's work, Cullen chats the ENTIRE time about his sleepover. I try to pay attention. We stop and eat at Mackie's pizza which is basically cheese on a cracker but they love it. I longinly look over at Red Lobster where I wish we could have eaten. We don't have one in town......it is a small town. :(

Finally we make it to the Book Store..........my kids run in three different directions and I look like a traffic cop trying to maintain 1/4 of an eye on each of them. We.Are.There.Forever! Kadin no longer reads books in the young readers section. No, we have to find the James Pattersons books in the big people section. Where I read each back flap to make sure there is no mention of sex, drugs, or rock n roll and finally give up. I start throwing books that feature Alex Cross into the basket with wild abandon. Whatever will keep me out of thise store that I love but do not get the chance to wander for the longest period of time.

I did mention to him that there may be some adult content and subjects and under all circumstances he was to SKIP THOSE PAGES! Yeah, I got the eye roll in response.

Several hundred dollars later we are blinded by the sun as we exit the building. How can one store be such a time suck? Where did the day go? I'm exhausted from herding boy cats through the store for hours on end. Yet, I'm brave enough to go to TJMaxx and Target....

On the drive home, I'm exhausted. Thinking about how sometime this year, there may be a 4th child to wrestle with at the book store, and I almost pass out. Until I look behind me and see two of my three sleeping quietly, and the third with his face in a book. And then the words come floating to the front..."Hey mom.....I'm on page 150. This book is GREAT!"   Nice.........I see another trip in my near future. Who taught that kid to read?

Oh, yeah....it was me.

The little things........

I've told myself this year, I am going to pay attention to the little things. How God works in small ways. Of course, I want him to put a small bundle of pink into my home of blue, but I also want to look at ways our lives are changed by the small examples. I love how God works in the BIG ways. The healing, the reconnecting, the saving.....all of those things are so important. But I want to concentrate this year on the mustard seed type of things. So here I am. Wide eyed every day. WAITING to be shown how God works in small ways. And since I'm looking, I see. I see people help each other. Holding doors, offering assistance, smiling, kind words.....if you look, we do treat each other with kindness. But tonight, my middle son blew me out of the water. Driving to basketball practice we were talking. It went something like this:

Me: Cullen, do you ever think about what your sister's birthmom will be like?
Cullen: I pray she will be a Christian
Me: I do too, but what do you think we should do if she isn't?
Cullen: We should tell her about Jesus. Isn't that what all Christians are supposed to do? Teach about Jesus and let those they care about know what Jesus did for us?
Me: Yes, that's exactly what we should do.
Cullen: Well, my sister will know what Jesus did to bring her to our family. And her mom will know we have already asked God for a place for Elliana in our family and in heaven. She's on her way mom!
Me: speechlesss...(looking for those little things, I found a BIG one. How I love my Cullybug!)

How does a parent go on from that? I dropped him off and sat in the car in tears. Thankful to God that my son was getting what he needed to from life. GOD IS THERE! And thankful he is seeing what I'm trying to teach him. GOD LOVES YOU! But holy cow! I had no idea he even really thought about Elliana. I guess I was wrong.

We are paper pregnant. No one really knows. But we are expecting a little girl. Sometimes the Fed Ex guy brings an outfit. Or a baby monitor. Or an Adoptive Families magazine. But as much as I internally obsess about this fourth child, my boys await her arrival as well. And I am touched.

Liam: When is our baby's birthday?
Me: I don't know when she will be born.
Liam: But everyone has a birthday. When is Elliana's?
Me: We don't know, Li...only God knows when her birthday will be. When we will find out about her. We just don't know. That is God's work. HE knows when her birthday will be. When she is coming. We just have to wait and pray for her and her Mom and Dad.
Liam: That is so complicated..........

He's right. It is. Waiting for a child to join your family through adoption IS complicated. You are not pregnant. You do not know who the parents are. You do not know what history they will bring to add to your family tree. You know nothing. And you are not in control. Sometimes I think my boys have forgotten about her. But they have not.

Just yesterday driving to school my oldest says:
Kadin: I think it is going to be cool to tell people my sister is adopted.
Me: Really? How come?
Kadin: Because God is choosing her for us out of everyone in the US. She will come to us by choice. I think it's neat that we will have a baby that will stretch our lives.

And so she will, my boys. So she will. I am beyond blessed. Truly, I am.

Roller Coaster

Have I mentioned lately what an emotional roller coaster adopting is? And as I explore, it's not just me that these crazy things fall upon, but sometimes it sure seems like it. In the past, we have known of situations of young girls being pregnant and thinking of adoption. Twice those young girls chose to parent thier baby girls. Once, we offered to take a baby boy so a mom would not abort him because she did not want another son. We were turned down and a 21 week old fetus lost his life. Now that we are in the washing machine cycle of adoption, I am like a fiend. Reading everything I can, joining online support groups because there are none where I live, and exploring every avenue that may bring our daughter home. Unfortunately, I never expected to be scammed.

How does someone offer their child, make up a horrendous living experience, and have no intention of placing their child, if there ever even was a child? Heck, the writer may not have even been a female! I have learned how emotionally bare I am. I responded to a post on a well known website. I was responded to. Me and this lady, "B", began an online relationship of sorts. Sharing pictures of her daughter, information about her family, and me sharing our situation. I thankfully contacted our adoption agency to look into things. I had friends in the UK planning on dropping by B's house. Scoping out the baby. Another sweet friend googled the address to see if homes were even there on google earth.

But suddenly things did not add up. And then money was asked for. Without an attorney. She would fly from the UK, get a passport with the baby's name and our last name on it. But until then, she needed money. Some help. Didn't I want to help her feed the child that would become our daughter?

I asked her to contact our adoption agency. She wouldn't. She just wanted money. I asked again. She sent an email. No other response.

Emotionally, this one does not take the cake. Although I prepared myself for a 2 yr old instead of an infant. I asked the boys if they would mind. Dave and I discussed it, but it is not the one that left me undone for days.

No, that one was the lady who aborted. I guess if I'm to be scammed over a child that may or may not have existed, so be it. Through appropriate channels, our daughter will come to our house, just has God has written it in our books of life. Just as He has commanded.  But until then, watch out! Sometimes things are not as they seem. I'm learning to be a little more jaded every day.