Miracles

Do you believe in miracles? I mean the huge, God given ones that are only allowed every once in a while but are so life altering that you can't help but pay attention? I do. I believe in them. I believe that God still performs miracles today. I believe that our lives are still important to Him. I believe he still walks with us on Earth and guides us to his heavenly home. Why? Because I have seen them. Repetitively. I see God's work in my life almost daily. Not in the little mundane things, but in huge, life altering things. Let me explain.

I prayed to God for a man who would love me unconditionally. A man who would see my potential, help me grow, and always be there when I fall. I met Dave. Our lives have been like a wave upon the sea. Sometimes powerful, sometimes weak. Sometimes out of control in the storm, other times, predictable.  But he is the man for me. He completes me. I cannot live without him. Ok, so I could if I had to. But I don't WANT to. He is the ying to my yang. We have walked many paths through our relationship to get us to where we are. I do not want to be without him. Ever.

Our boys....my pregnancies you have heard about. horrible. Scary. Early births, stuck babies......I'm a disgrace to the human population in giving birth. If I had lived in the early years, my babies would have all died, and me with them. What a wonderful thought (NOT!). But every day, my children are walking miracles.

Our daughter. I don't even need to explain the multiple ways this little girl is a miracle. From the way she came into our lives, to the little girl she is growing to be. She is my dream come true. And she knows it.

Finding my cancer was a miracle. For the years I had put off having a mammogram. And then to have one, finding this minuscule cancer that was removed two weeks later. Lord, continue  to help me walk in your Grace with this journey. I still meet people almost weekly, if not daily, that I can connect to. Look at me. I had cancer. i'm here. I'm present. I'm still living. And by the grace of God, I'm seeing my children meet milestones I was fearful I wouldn't see almost three years ago.

But my true miracle story comes from eight and a half weeks ago. What happens in two and a half months? A lot. Let me tell you. Oh, wait, I am. :) Two and a half months ago I thought my husband had pancreatic cancer. For those of you who don't know what pancreatic cancer is, think of the most horrible thoughts of your mind, and that is it. It's a death sentence. Most people do not survive for long. When pancreatic cancer is found, it is usually too late. Within months, that person is gone. Forever. Dead. I looked at my husband and our hopes and dreams and saw them slowly be ripped from me.

But never fear! I've been here before. I've had an abruption. I've almost lost three children. I almost lost an adopted child. I could have lost my life. I would.not.lose.my.husband.

What do you do when things in your life get hairy? I pray. A lot. For everyone, for myself, for those hurting.......so I prayed. I prayed that my husband was spared this journey. That there was another explanation. That he would be healthy to continue to do his gift from God......

Because you see, my husband is a physician that uses his God given gift to help. He doesn't care about insurance. He doesn't care about politics or policies. He cares about patient care and the health of his patients. He is interested in their lives, their children. He is a physician like you hardly see in todays world. He bucks bureaucracy and their ways. He stands up for what is right, what is not right now. He makes enemies that will try to tie him down, change his principals and sway his belief of what is right. But he remains firm, even when others try to take him down. We cannot lose him. So many people would lose fabulous care if he were gone. Life altering care. Life saving care. Life giving care. This cannot be. It must be a mistake.

Two weeks after his probable diagnosis of 70-50% pancreatic cancer we have an endoscopic ultrasound with biopsy. The results are mixed. They are still not sure he has cancer, but there may be something else. What? Asymptomatic pancreatitis? IPMN? What is going on? We are scheduled for another MRI weeks later. We go. Inconclusive. What is this mass? What IS it? what does this mean to our family? To his patients? To my husband?

We are scheduled for another biopsy but decide at the prompting of a good friend and other doctors to go to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. Let's find an answer. Because we can no longer live like part of us is dying every day. We have plans. We have things we want to do before we die. And cancer is no longer a part of our plan. I pray.

My friends pray.

My family prays.

A few select people are allowed into our inner circle. They pray.

This week we went to Mayo. People who are really sick go to the Mayo Clinic, right? People who can't find answers elsewhere?? Clasping hands like it was us against the world we maneuvered from appointment to appointment. My life line was in a group message to my family. My heart in my throat. But through it all, I hear God clearly. It is well.....with my soul. It is well.......

We go from appointment to appointment. Going through the motions. watching how a major medical operation runs and wanting to bring those ways back to our little town, to our clinic. Worrying about a mass that could mean death, but trusting God that all is well. It is well....with my soul...It is well...

Truly. Trusting. I remember being on the floor next to our dresser praying to God about my own cancer. Through the fear came the words... You will be fine. Trust me. Walk in Grace......And I tried. Now, I hear Him again. It is well....with my soul........I know that God has his hand on my husband and all I have to do is believe, trust, and pray. And so I do.

Seven appointments in two days. The Mayo Clinic runs like a well oiled machine. With super happy employees. Who are helpful and caring and smile with their eyes. I've spoken with patients in the hallway, I've talked with an Aunt who's niece was diagnosed with breast cancer. I talked with a man with Celiacs. I smile at everyone I pass. Because, well, it is well with my soul. God promised. I believe.

Dave has a 3x1cm mass in the head of his pancreas. If it is cancer or IPMN, we are looking at a whipple procedure. It is no joke. It is weeks, if not a month of recoup time. It is neither of us in the office. It is pain. It is watching our children go through their parents have a major medical issue once again. Money lost, family time lost, health lost. It will take him a year or longer to get back to where he is now. I know, it has taken me years to get back the strength I lost. And I'm still not where I was in 2013. I know this road. It's not good. But we will do it. We will walk it, run it, whatever. We will make it, together.

He gets his bloodwork. We meet with a PA. He has an MRI and more blood work. we are prepared for his procedure. One that will let us know what we are dealing with for sure. The dr walks in the room early the next morning.  Layered shirts and wrinkled khakis. Bright, squeaking running shoes. Short hair, glasses, and a hesitant smile. But he listens. He jokes. He asks if we know the results of the MRI from the day before. We do not. He breaks the news to us.

NOTHING. There is no mass. No bundle of anything. There is NO mass at all. It is GONE. GONE. Do you hear it?? It is well...with my soul...Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.

Gone. This mass that could have taken my husband's life. Is.Gone. Do you realize what this means?? Besides joking with him about sucking it up, my heart breaks in thanksgiving. My husband is healthy! He is not dying! I will be able to annoying him for decades to come! But wait...........

For real? I admit. I hesitated. I asked questions. I asked about contraindications. How does this happen? How does one come to rule out cancer and then be told the mass is GONE?? We agree to proceed with the procedure. Do another endoscopic ultra sound. Tell us what you see.

Hours go by. All I feel is peace. I text friends. Prayers have been answered. My husband has been healed. There is no cancer. I want to call the 7 year survivor of pancreatic cancer who purposefully pulled us to the side at last nights restaurant. A man who saw my survivor shirt and he wore a hat and we were instantly family. They leave a piece of themselves with us. He was not to survive a year at their 30th wedding anniversary. That night, they were celebrating their 37th anniversary. God sends people into our paths. We just have to be open to receive them.

The procedure is over. Before my husband comes out of anesthesia, he is helping our nurse who is having fertility issues. He's discussing a route and testing she and her husband should take. She is actively taking notes. Listening to his guidance. I am in awe. If I have ever doubted that he has a gift from God, it is put to rest. This man was made to be a physician. To help. To heal. To guide. Our nurse beams with hope renewed. My heart soars. Our doctor comes in to review Dave's case. There is no mass. He does not have cancer. There is no IPMN. This is, well, nothing. Anything that was there has been reabsorbed into his body. He has been healed by our greatest physician's hand. God has healed my husband.

Follow up in 3-6 months. Wow.......

So when people waver. Is there a God? Where are his miracles? I want them to see my family. To see me. To see my boys. To see my daughter. But mostly, now, to see my husband. Where there once could have been cancer, there was nothing.

NOTHING.

So for now, we sit with a hat that says Pancreatic Cancer Survivor, given to us from our new 7 year survivor friend. And we revel in the fact that God STILL preforms miracles. Look for them. They happen. And when in doubt, know all is well........

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Refrain: It is well with my soul, It is well, it is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!— My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. Be well my friends. Know that God walks among you. He hears you. Keep praying. And let me know what I can do for you as well. For now, i'm going to bask in the sunshine of our Lord's love.