Hold Tight

Today while we were walking down the hall towards the nursery to drop Elliana off, I noticed a family of all boys. How could I not smile at this mom who looked a little tired and her two older boys walking down the hall. I saw her husband patiently walking with their  youngest son holding his hand. This little guy did not want to be at church and was complaining a bit. With a smile on my face, thinking of my own family of boys, I looked down. Onto a child that was clearly not well. I don't mean a sniffle-runny-nose not well, but very, very sick. His bald head was in severe contrast to his dark cute clothes. The blue rings under his eyes spoke volumes of a journey he was on that no one else other than his parents could completely comprehend. The tenative smile he gave me as I passed made my heart squeeze and I had to suddenly go to the bathroom or risk sobbing in the hallway.

I've had people tell me I have no right to want a daughter in my life. That I should be thankful for the three healthy children I have roaming the rooms in my home. And I have always, always been thankful for that. I've had mothers who's children were diagnosed with Autism be angry with me. Mothers who's children are sick defriend me because of my desire to add a girl to our all boy family. It happens so much, you begin to wonder, am I being selfish? Do I not appreciate what I have been given enough? I have thought long and hard about these things as pieces of my life fall into place.

Today I found out that an online friend's little girl has has a brain mass. She just turned two. She was healthy and fine and happy one day, then flu like symptoms the next. She had an MRI on one day, brain surgery the next...and then another. Two surgeries in as many days. All the while this mother tries to care for her young son and is 33 weeks pregnant with her third.

Oh, yes, I'm taking note. And thanking God. And you know what? I'm not selfish for wanting a little girl in my life. For you know what? We don't know what tomorrow brings. I want to live this life God gave me to the fullest. I want to love much, live long, and give until it hurts. I want to cherish my husband and my children. I want to cry until my gut hurts, laugh until my abs ache, and love deeply. I want my children to be healthy and I want the strength to hold onto my God if they are not. Because one day they can be here in the living room fighting and driving me to the brink of distraction, and the next they could be in the hospital having brain surgery.

To those two moms of sick little ones, know I saw the message. I got it loud and clear. I'm holding tight to my little ones. All of them. I'm thanking God for my four miracles, three of my body and one of my heart. I'm speaking softer, taking more time for the lego building and the trampoline jumping. I'm snuggling more, dancing often, and ever step of the way thanking God for life's lessons.

Hold tight to those you love. Your friends, your family, your children, strangers. For one of the most important covenants we have is to love our neighbor as ourselves. So those who are angry at me for wanting more, I'm sorry. I don't have time for that. I'm too busy jumping in puddles, taking walks, scratching backs, reading books, and holding tight to the dreams that came true in my life. Warts and all.