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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So Hard

So the home study is complete. Our paper portfolio has gone out one time. Now we wait. This is the part I do not like. How to get through this part of waiting. It reminds me of being a young child lined up to be chosen for a team in gym class. I wasn't the best, but I wasn't the worst, just in the middle...waiting. Which team would pick me? Would I get picked or would the teacher have to place me? The anxiety in the pit of my stomach would grow and grow. For what? Gym class?!?!

Now it's something more serious. Life altering. Forever. Now I wait for a daughter. Who will come with another mother and a slew of relatives. Some people look at me like I have two heads. "How can you raise a child not your own? With her mother involved? And all of her relatives? I could never do that??" I guess due to the fact that I have lived hours and hours away from my own family for years may help in the fact that those that are close to me and love me and my boys are like family to us. My husband has lived most of his life this way. Friends are like family. So adding a birthmom and her family and possibly a birth dad and his family to our extended family is not scary at all. The more the merrier. The more my daughter knows she is loved, the better she will be. The more her mom and dad are involved in her life, the less questions she will have. The more secure she will feel with us all.

My mom was not there as I planned my wedding. My family was not there as I gave birth to my oldest son. As we laid our cat of 18 years in the ground, my family was six hours away. I have not lived close to my family for over 15 years. That does not mean I don't love them, or them me, we simply do not live close geographically. That said, I drove myself to the hospital when I gave birth. I had a close friend take pre wedding pictures. I had friends step in when I had post partum depression and my mom and sister had left the state I lived in with my second son. I had friends I turned to when my father was diagnosed with cancer.

So, as with many things, I am left alone to wait this through. To try not to talk too much about it with my friends in case I drive them as batty as I feel. To not burden my husband with my daily fears. To not cause my family anxiety with the fact that our daughter is a "maybe baby" to them. What to do? I do what I usually do in stressful situations. I write. Our baby will have a journal of our journey. I call our adoption counselor who patiently listens to me lose my mind and gently guides me back. I read everything I can get my hands on about adoption. I day dream about a birthmom calling me out of the blue, ready to hand her baby to my family and wanting to walk the next 18 plus years with us. But mostly, I pray.

I pray that I am following the path that God has laid on my heart many years ago. I pray that I am being a good mother to my boys. A good wife to my husband. A loving daughter, a caring friend. I pray for God's guidance. I pray for our birthmother, wherever she is. That she will feel His gentle hand upon her, comforting her in this decision that is heartwrenching. That she will be held close by him, and know that the family she chooses for her daughter will always cherish her. Love her. Because we wanted her and her mother.

But the waiting is hard. The daily grind keeps me busy, but I am always wondering....will today be the day? Will we know something more today???? But so far, we don't.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

To adopt a child and selflessly welcome everyone who will come with the child is one of the greatest gifts one could ever bestow upon a child. I can only imagine the people this may inspire to do "more" with the blessings they have.

Brenda said...

The day we got the birth father involved with our kids (his and ours) was the best thing we ever did. Difficult, yes but still so worth it. He got to see us as a family. He saw how much love we could give his children. I will always cherish the letter he wrote to the judge giving up his rights. I will share it with our kids one day. He would have lost his kids through the courts but he chose to do the right thing first. I will keep you in my prayers through this journey. Remember this is all in HIS hands.

Amanda Duncan said...

Kathy...I will be praying for you. Hang in there and remember all good things come with time. A good friend never tires of listening. A husband is not burdened by his wife's concerns. And those who look at you and find it odd you adopt a whole family....they simply don't have the capacity to love as openly and unselfishly as you. THAT is what dreams are made of and THAT is what is going to save one family and give one baby the opportunity to have what so many children don't....an incredible mother. And THAT is what matters. I did the massage party at the cabin a few years ago. But, I work in foster care. This baby is going to be so lucky to have you and your wonderful husband. I will keep you in my prayers!! Today, YOU are my hero. I would have been honored to listen over and over! What a gift. What an amazing gift! Hang in there! Amanda Duncan

Bonnie said...

I found your blog from your sig on Babycenter and I couldn't resist reading it! The title living with gender disappoint really caught my attention. I am currently pregnant with our third daughter and I cried when I read your blog and discovered you had chosen to adopt. I know I haven't even brought my third child into this world yet, but I already want to think about adoption as a means to add a son to our family. I would love to hear more of your story. My profile on BBC is paramedicqueen! My email should be attached to this comment as well! God bless you and your adoption journey!!

MotheringBoys said...

Thank you guys, so much! Amanda, I appreciate your words. You are too kind, my friend. Now find me a baby. ;) LOL!!

Bonnie, off to look you up. Oh, the stories I can tell you. But know this, that third little girl will bring your heart such joy!!