My mind swirls with how much difference a year can make. One.Short.Year. How we went from being a family of 5 to a family of 6 without missing a beat. As our finalization comes closer, I ache for the loss of one family but am joyous for the addition to our own. Adoption is such a conflicting state of mind. You are beyond estatic to add this person to your family. Whether an infant or an older child, yet you are devestated that someone had to lose out. Whether it be a young mother, or the child himself who may have not had the best of beginnings.
Sometimes we look at Elliana and we remember February 1, 2012 when the agency called and asked if we were interested in this situation. We cannot believe how God protected our child. We are not surprised, merely in awe. How this little being came from such a disasterous start, yet is perfect and on target in every way. I can remember Dave pouring over Elliana's mom's medical record and just shaking his head. But we trusted God's plan for us and moved forward. I sometimes think about if we had said no, it was too much of a risk, and what we would have missed out on.
On October 17, 2012, Elliana Marie will become an Asbery legally. It is a day that will put on paper what our hearts have known for almost 8 months. This is our daughter. This is the child that was not from my body, but from my heart and soul. This is the child we waited for but did not know would exist.
I'm a boy mom. I know boys. I adore boys. I champion boys. I will ALWAYS be a boy mom. My boys made me a mom first. They taught me so much and I adore them. It's been a weird adjustment to say 'Kids' instead of 'Boys.' Sometimes I flounder in the middle ground of always being a boy mom to now being a mixed gender mom. Only someone that has walked this road would get that saying. Once you are an all one gender parent, in your mind, you always are. But one small girl changed that for us.
I have not left all of my disappointment feelings at the door. Having Elliana has not given me rose colored glasses. I still remember the hurtful comments from others. The same as a person with fertility issues does not forget those feelings of not getting pregnant even when they do conceive or adopt. They are still a part of me, of those of us who have walked this road. I sometimes feel it is important to let people know that. For all of my bravo at being a boy mom. For writing ALTERED DREAMS. For challenging the venacular of people who want to gender stereotype. I'm still that person. I still do those things. I still feel those things.
Yes, I now say 'kids' and have a daughter, but those experiences that made me who I am, the mother I am, the woman I am, they are still there. I am beyond thankful for the experience to raise a daughter with my boys. It is all I ever wanted. But I'm still me.
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10 comments:
Love this Kathy.....Very well said!
After 5 boys and then a girl....I still relate to knowing what it's like to have all boys.....All boys for 16 years......It shaped me! It's still very much who I am!
Love ya!
Love you too, my dear friend!
You are one of those few people in my life who touches my heart with your words. I AM A PROUD MUM OF BOYS, have been through the gender disappointment, desolation, not resignation and then quiet acceptance. I haver tried all the swaying of this world to get the daughter of my dreams, tried adoption with no success (here in Italy it is a real Utopia to adopt). I let the emotions would take over on me, and then... react! Now I am happy, not craving anymore and fully enjoying my family and daughtyer's friends. I don't feel incomplete anymore. And for all the above... a special thanks is for you Kathy. Your words, your book. You are a strong and combative woman. I feel I am so close tou you, your personality. I'm so happy for your Elliana to have such a wonderful Mum. Love K
Ah, Katia, you warm my heart. Thank you for your words. They mean more than you could ever know. Love ya!!
Thank you for this post. Sometimes I wonder how people feel when they get their longed for baby girl or boy. I wonder whether they remember the old feelings. I really appreciate your honesty. I am still purely a boy mum. No girl in our lives yet, despite an unsuccessful trip to a clinic overseas.. I am resigned to my role now. Mothering my lovely boys is an honour. My resignation is to do with dealing with other people. I still find it very difficult when strangers ask me questions about my family. I wish I could just proudly announce my status, but I know if I do the comments that I have heard a thousand times will come again. I prefer to be cagey, even if it does make me appear a little aloof. It's self preservation!
Danielle, we do what we have to do to get through. I've learned people feel the need to comment no matter what. It's so annoying. And you are right, Mothering our boys is a total honor!!!
Well first I would like to say that I haven't had the time to read your entire blog.
I was just about to purchase your book and I stumbled across your blog. I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with my second boy and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.
My dream of having a daughter has faded and I am scared that the grief will never go away.
So I was looking forward to reading your book. I was hoping your story would give me some hope..... something I can relate too. I was hoping it would help me feel better and help me move past some of my feelings. I know that I will never be completely free from the desire of having a daughter but I was hoping that it would lessen. I was hoping that your story would prove to me that it will be possible to be content with what God has given us.
Well now that I see you adopted a girl (congrats btw :)) .... I am now really confused! Maybe I will never be content and happy with what I have and will continue to pursue a dream that may never happen. The dream of having a daughter will pelage the joy of having two boys!!
I know that I don’t know your entire journey ..... I am just looking for some ways to move throgh my saddness. I am looking for books, I talk with my husband and I started a blog ... "The Joys of Two Boys"
I am now afaird that your story will not help me move beyond this stage of grief/saddness but will fuel the feeling of being "not complete" without a daughter.
Katherine, it was great catching up on your blog, reading about the adoption finalization. It is so wonderful to have my thoughts mirrored in your words, if in reverse from "boys" to "girls". I remember a while back, you said, you'll see, this third baby will steal your heart and you won't be able to imagine your life without her. (something to that effect) You were right, now she is 9 months old almost and a true true joy in my life. I just can't imagine my mothering any other way, and I do identify myself as a mom to girls, and it would be weird to have to say "kids". To the mom who posted anonymously above, the pain and grief you describe really has lessened for me, now that I am 9 months out from my third daughters birth. I had a very dark time after our 20 week ultrasound where I felt very disappointed, and very guilty for feeling that way since we were having a healthy baby. It has taken time and love to get this far emotionally, but I don't know that I will ever "get over it". I am not sure some of us are meant to get over, just find a way to contentment with what God has chosen for my path. Have you, like Katherine, considered adoption in the future?
I just read Altered Dreams cover to cover this morning then went online to find a way to thank you, Kathy. And now to also congratulate you, I find! I wish you and your family much happiness. As a mom of 2 wonderful boys I cannot imagine life without, I am also struggling to accept that I will never mother a daughter. My husband will not agree to more children in either the conventional means or adoption, and does not understand the emotions I have. Your book was a comfort to me and I appreciate your courage and honesty. Thank you and all the best.
Anon, my story was complete with my boys. I did learn to live fully with them. Yes,I still desired to parent a daughter, but I was ok. I never expected my husband to change his mind about adoption. But when he did, yes, I leapt at the chance to have a daughter in my life. Without hesitation. I do not mean to disappoint. Or make others feel that I don't still get it. I do. But when someone offers you the chance to see a dream, anyone would leap at it. I walked your walk. And I hope ALTERED DREAMS will offer you some comfort. You are not alone. I am not alone. We're in this life thing together. I wish you the happiest of memories with your previous boys. And remember....never say never! Hugs!
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