Christmas Time

Our little one is now 10 months old. She is growing and thriving and we are finally breathing a little easier. She is meeting all developmental milestones. I'm no longer panicked that something is wrong. I am finally more relaxed and not trying to rush in every life experience into tiny short months. This is our daughter. She is here to stay.

Last year she was our "maybe baby." A child we hoped and prayed for. This year, she is here and a part of us. I still, at times, find it hard to believe I am the mom to four.

Through my life, I have always tried to give people hope. To show them that life is ok the way you're handed it. And if you find it not so, then you can work and find a way to change it. When I look at my daughter, I want her to know this as well.

At Christmas, I tend to reflect upon things that have had an impact on my life. Going to college, graduating from grad school, meeting Dave, moving away, marriage, my family of origin, my boys, the life we have built together, and the daughter we have added. I don't pretend to have all of the answers. I know I never will.

As our family has grown, I have looked back on the years and cherished each time we have expanded. This Christmas is no different. It's still amazing to me that you can be a family unit of a certain number one year and swell to encompass a new person by the time the next year rolls around. And each time, that person just seems to fit. When we had just two boys, I could see where another person would be in the family picture. Then there were three. For a long time, that is all I could see. But last year, I knew right where another person would go. Where she would fit. And this year, there were four. I'm scared to look at the picture for fear I will see five, or six!

I know we are blessed beyond measure. I know that I have my hearts every desire. And I'm grateful. And humbled. I know I disappointed a lot of people when we chose to pursue adoption. I was to be the poster child for gender disappointment. I was to prove that you can be happy with what you don't have. And I was. But I always held that longing for a daughter in addition to my boys. That was never a secret. I lived my life to the fullest with my boys, but I still held that desire. And now I hold her in my arms. For now, at this Christmas, our family is complete.