Little Did I Know.......

Ten years ago on this day, a Saturday, my mom and I took Kadin across the street from our house in Alabama to another subdivision to pick blackberries. Little did I know that all of the pictures from that day would be lost the next day. We did not have a digital camera so everything was on film that was overexposed the next day. Little did I know how important my mother's prescence would be at that time in my life. A small son at home, almost 37 weeks pregnant with my second son. Little did I know when I tucked Kadin into bed that night that it would be his last night as our only child. Ten years ago today was my last day of being pregnant with our second son. Our last child we believed. Little did we know what God had in store for our lives! Little did I know that although we moved from NC to Alabama the year before, that was not where we would call home.

Sometimes I wonder what we would do with life's information if we lived in knowing those steps ahead. Would I have been more into this second son if I knew a third would one day arrive? Would I have put so much time and effort into a nursery if I knew in six months we would leave it? Would I have worried so much about how I would love a second child if I knew we would later add a third, and then a fourth? Little did I know about life in June of 2002.

Tomorrow marks our second son's birthday. Obviously. :) Cullen came into this world a few short months after the happenings of 9/11. Shoving his way into this world three weeks early was a glimpse into his personality. Little did I know I would not have time for pain meds when my water broke early on Sunday morning. The Dr. tried to give me some IV relief but it was too little too late. He was an amazing man. Compassionate and caring. He stood outside my delivery room so upset he couldn't help me more with the pain of giving natural childbirth. Little did I know he would be dead two weeks later of lung cancer. I wish I had told him again how much his quiet support meant.

Cullen's birth was traumatic. Not in the sense that bad things happened, but in retrospect, that they could have. Lucky for me I had my OB dr there, and my OB husband who could communicate over a pregnant belly with only exchanged looks. Cullen was too big for my pelvic region but we had no idea. Born at 7lbs 3oz, his head arrived but the rest of his body could not come out. Little did I know as my OB broke out into a sweat and my husband threw his arm across my belly to help me get our little man out, that I was in danger. Poor Cullen had a dislocated arm, was bruised and swollen, and I broke every blood vessel in my eyes getting him out. I looked like death for weeks.

The amazing thing, after the baby comes out, the pain does totally go away. Thank goodness. 13 minutes after giving birth, I was on the phone with the cord blood bank to come and get Cullen's cord blood. I think my Dr. headed to the nearest bar for a drink. ;)

At the time, I did not know what to expect with my life of two boys. I didn't know how hard it would be to connect with my second son. I didn't know how much he would change my life. For a child who shoved his way into this world, Cullen also shoved his way into my heart. Now, I cannot imagine life without my sweet natured, sensitive, hilarious little man. Little did I know how fiercely I would defend him.

Cullen's name is Gaelic and means handsome. With his golden eyes and ready smile, he truly is a child of my heart. He is the child most like me at times, and other times so much unlike me. He is the child who made me see raising brothers is the biggest gift of my lifetime. He taught me that everyone in the playground needs to be included, even those we would not actively choose to join in our small circle. Cullen has taught me to bend down and examine bugs, to look up and see the clouds. He sees every rainbow after the storm, and the other side to every story. He has a compassion in him that brings me to my knees. He has a love for God that makes me feel small. He gets his feelings hurt so quickly and easily that I have to constantly be on the lookout for how I say things, and on the defense for anyone who inadvertantly steps on his toes. He is the child I most worry about because he is so directly effected by what goes on in the world. Worrying constantly for others. Putting up walls so that he can protect himself. I will go to the ends of the Earth for this child. I will stand up against any force that tries to change him, and does not appreciate the gift that he is. I have done it before. I'm sure I will do it again. He is my second son and I adore him.

Little did I know, 10 years ago, on this day before Cullen's birth, how I, myself, would change with the birth of my second son. And I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad I can only see three steps in front of me. Because I may not have stepped up to the challenge so readily. I may not have shifted my thinking. And I may have missed out on one of the greatest gifts of my life. Thank you, Cullen McKee, for choosing me. I love you to the moon and back. Always. Happy Birthday, sweet boy!