Little Did I Know.......

Ten years ago on this day, a Saturday, my mom and I took Kadin across the street from our house in Alabama to another subdivision to pick blackberries. Little did I know that all of the pictures from that day would be lost the next day. We did not have a digital camera so everything was on film that was overexposed the next day. Little did I know how important my mother's prescence would be at that time in my life. A small son at home, almost 37 weeks pregnant with my second son. Little did I know when I tucked Kadin into bed that night that it would be his last night as our only child. Ten years ago today was my last day of being pregnant with our second son. Our last child we believed. Little did we know what God had in store for our lives! Little did I know that although we moved from NC to Alabama the year before, that was not where we would call home.

Sometimes I wonder what we would do with life's information if we lived in knowing those steps ahead. Would I have been more into this second son if I knew a third would one day arrive? Would I have put so much time and effort into a nursery if I knew in six months we would leave it? Would I have worried so much about how I would love a second child if I knew we would later add a third, and then a fourth? Little did I know about life in June of 2002.

Tomorrow marks our second son's birthday. Obviously. :) Cullen came into this world a few short months after the happenings of 9/11. Shoving his way into this world three weeks early was a glimpse into his personality. Little did I know I would not have time for pain meds when my water broke early on Sunday morning. The Dr. tried to give me some IV relief but it was too little too late. He was an amazing man. Compassionate and caring. He stood outside my delivery room so upset he couldn't help me more with the pain of giving natural childbirth. Little did I know he would be dead two weeks later of lung cancer. I wish I had told him again how much his quiet support meant.

Cullen's birth was traumatic. Not in the sense that bad things happened, but in retrospect, that they could have. Lucky for me I had my OB dr there, and my OB husband who could communicate over a pregnant belly with only exchanged looks. Cullen was too big for my pelvic region but we had no idea. Born at 7lbs 3oz, his head arrived but the rest of his body could not come out. Little did I know as my OB broke out into a sweat and my husband threw his arm across my belly to help me get our little man out, that I was in danger. Poor Cullen had a dislocated arm, was bruised and swollen, and I broke every blood vessel in my eyes getting him out. I looked like death for weeks.

The amazing thing, after the baby comes out, the pain does totally go away. Thank goodness. 13 minutes after giving birth, I was on the phone with the cord blood bank to come and get Cullen's cord blood. I think my Dr. headed to the nearest bar for a drink. ;)

At the time, I did not know what to expect with my life of two boys. I didn't know how hard it would be to connect with my second son. I didn't know how much he would change my life. For a child who shoved his way into this world, Cullen also shoved his way into my heart. Now, I cannot imagine life without my sweet natured, sensitive, hilarious little man. Little did I know how fiercely I would defend him.

Cullen's name is Gaelic and means handsome. With his golden eyes and ready smile, he truly is a child of my heart. He is the child most like me at times, and other times so much unlike me. He is the child who made me see raising brothers is the biggest gift of my lifetime. He taught me that everyone in the playground needs to be included, even those we would not actively choose to join in our small circle. Cullen has taught me to bend down and examine bugs, to look up and see the clouds. He sees every rainbow after the storm, and the other side to every story. He has a compassion in him that brings me to my knees. He has a love for God that makes me feel small. He gets his feelings hurt so quickly and easily that I have to constantly be on the lookout for how I say things, and on the defense for anyone who inadvertantly steps on his toes. He is the child I most worry about because he is so directly effected by what goes on in the world. Worrying constantly for others. Putting up walls so that he can protect himself. I will go to the ends of the Earth for this child. I will stand up against any force that tries to change him, and does not appreciate the gift that he is. I have done it before. I'm sure I will do it again. He is my second son and I adore him.

Little did I know, 10 years ago, on this day before Cullen's birth, how I, myself, would change with the birth of my second son. And I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad I can only see three steps in front of me. Because I may not have stepped up to the challenge so readily. I may not have shifted my thinking. And I may have missed out on one of the greatest gifts of my life. Thank you, Cullen McKee, for choosing me. I love you to the moon and back. Always. Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

In a few short weeks we will be attending a family reunion in NH. I love these get togethers every 3 years, even if I am unable to attend  some in between. Seeing your traits reflected in people who walk every different path of life is amazing. To have a connection with people who's lives intertwine yours is wonderful. Last time, I introduced my third son to my extended family. This year, I will introduce my daughter.

I am eagerly waiting to place her in my cousin Gay's arms. Why? Because she was my most favorite cousin growing up. We had the most fun together. She bought me a Worlds Favorite Cousin pin once and I wore it with such pride. Gay shares something wonderful with Elliana as well. Gay was adopted into our family when she was four years old. And all of my life, I have seen how Gay was treated. As one of us. Because she is. There was never any distiction of her being adopted, unless Gay brought it up. I've known it my whole life but it has never made me think of her any differently than my favorite cousin. I cannot wait to see the love shining for our daughter in her eyes, just as there has been for each of our sons.

When I think back on these reunions, I remember how I missed the one after Kadin was born. My grandmother had died shortly before we were to go, and it was too painful on my father to attend. Instead, he visited with us and we tried to think of other things. We did go to the next one in Atlanta with two boys in tow. This was also the first time my family met Dave. Each time we get together, we celebrate new life, and reflect on those who have passed. This year, my sons will miss their Aunt Debbie, Gay's mom, who was greeted in Heaven not long ago. Shortly after she knew Elliana was in our arms. How I wish I could have sat one more time, adoptive mom to adoptive mom, and asked my Aunt Debbie some questions.

As the months pass, I realize what a journey we are on. Each child brings his own story to our lives. Each pregnancy made it's own impact. And our journey with Elliana is no different. The paper pregnancy with her touched us. Her being a part of us makes us connected to a whole different aspect of life that we never truly understood. Straddling both the bio and the adoptive world is interesting. I live each day with my eyes wide open.

Almost nine months ago we started exploring this road we are on. Just NINE months ago we started discussing adoption. We talked to friends, we did some internet searches. We talked to our boys. Last year, we lived through the summer without even knowing how this year would be changing us. We built a cabin with three bunk beds. We were incomplete and didn't realize it completely. Nine months ago my husband mentioned that he would like to look into adopting a daughter. To fulfill a dream I had for our life. To parent both genders. Little did we know where we would end up.

Today, Elliana is four months old. We are waiting to finish our last two post placement visits. We are completing paperwork for court. We will know next month when our finalization date will be. If all goes as scheduled, we will finalize our adoption after an eleven month journey. Almost to the date we decided TO adopt. That will never cease to amaze me.

That amazement I expect to see reflected in my family's eyes. Our "maybe baby" is here, thriving, and capturing all of our hearts with her existance. :)

As Mother's Day quickly approaches, I would be remiss to not mention a young woman who will always hold a special place in our hearts. Elliana's birthmom. A courageous and fearless 19 year old who gave birth by c-section to her first child and then waited 18 long hours for us to arrive at the hospital to meet her. A tearful young woman who was scared to meet us, but yet she did and we fell in love with her heart and soul. A fiesty young woman who's personality I see reflected in our young daughter every day. A young woman who won't say no, who won't let life beat her down, and who made one of the most heart wrenching decisions of her short life on Feb 24, 2012 when she signed her rights away and made Elliana our daughter.

We sent a card to her, after searching and searching. There are no cards at Halmark that express your graditude. There are no cards that say exactly what it means to hold this child that grew in your heart long before she was held in your arms. There are no cards to tell a young woman who gave us one of the four greatest gifts of our lives to us just how much she means to us.

So, I found the best I could and included some pictures of this special girl in hopes that her birthmom will know how dear both of them are to us.

If you know a birthmom, let her know how much you love her. Wish her a Happy Mother's Day from all of her children. For just because she may not hold that child in her arms, she does in her heart, and her body carries the scars of that child's birth. Forever.

Every month when I take Elliana to get her "month-day" pictures taken, she wears this bracelet. It says Forever in My Heart and it has a tag with her birthmom's name on it. Her birthmom has a necklace that matches with Elliana's name on it. I cannot act like this other woman does not exist. For without her, my family would be incomplete. Without her, my sons wouldn't have a sister. My husband wouldn't have his Daddy's little girl. And I wouldn't have my Dream Come True.

Happy Mother's Day, Destiny. As I told you not so long ago, you were our destiny and we love you!

Mother's Day

So many mixed emotions as I approach Mother's Day this year. For almost 13 years I have been an all boy mom. I have greeted Mother's Day with total joy at my children, and sometimes hatred at the Mother/Daughter events that seem to evolve this time of year. So many times I would be invited to a Mother/Daughter tea and feel that gut wrenching stab in the gut. Or a Mother/Daughter banquet at church. It was my mission to educate that not everything in life was to surround mothers and daughters. What of our sons?

I am thankful to myself that I never shied away from speaking up. A women's banquet should not be titled Mother/Daughter banquet. Mother's Day pictures should not depict ONLY mothers and daughters. Moms are moms to BOYS too. Especially me. I am a fierce boy mom. Don't try me.

So why is it that people think this year will be any different? That this year will be a Mother's Day beyond all Mother's Days because I now have a daughter? Instinctively, I get defensive. I know it. I never want my boys to think they have been displaced by thier sister. Is it because people think I finally hit the jackpot? Or is it simply that people know the journey we have traveled to add this little being to our family. Boy OR Girl. I don't know. No one ever said that to me after adding a second or third son, so I am to believe that it's because I now have a girl child.

Will this be the best mother's day ever? Maybe. Or Maybe last years was (although I can't remember what we did). Or maybe next years will be (because I'll be sleeping through the night, hopefully!). I don't know. I just know that for 12 years I have been extremely lucky to have a little person (or two, or three, or four!) in my home that calls me Momma. So for the past 12 years, I have had the best Mother's Days ever because I get to gather my little men close and revel in the fact that God entrusted me with these three perfect beings. This year I get to add little miss to that hug.

Am I grateful? Absolutely. Is our family complete. Yes. Do I cringe at Mother/Daughter connotations anymore?  Not so much. Am I looking forward to years with my children? Yes. And the reason that this Mother's Day will be the best one yet? Because my family has grown by 2 more feet. There is more love in our home. And my arm reach around my children expanded. I am truly blessed.

In my life, I know there are five things I have done right. I married my husband and we have four amazing children to share our lives with. Yep, that makes Mother's Day complete.

May you all have The Best Mother's Day Ever!

We are fast approaching the two month celebration of Elliana's birth. Oh what a ride it has been! She has molded seamlessly into our family and no one has missed a beat. Just like with our sons, our family was missing this one last piece and we are so happy she is here with us.

Adoption has made such a difference in our lives. The people who's stories we have gotten to hear that we might have missed have blessed us in so many ways. Our friends and family who have opened their arms and hearts for our child have never ceased to amaze us. We are reminded how great our God is every single day.

Even in the heart of our happiness when people read my blog, total strangers who take one excerpt and think they know me and then bash me on wanting to raise a daughter. Informing me that she may not like bows and tea parties and frilly things. I just listen. For in my head, I hear my mother laughing at them because I totally know about tomboys. I was one. I am fully aware that our daughter may not like dolls. That she may prefer her brother's army men. That she may not want a tea party (although I did pay tea parties many times with my boy children). And that she may not like dresses or girly things. That's ok with me.

I wanted the experience of raising a daughter. In whatever package she came in. Just the same as my boys. My children have come to me to be unfolded, not molded. But, as with my boys, I will dress her in frilly things until she says no. I will put a bow on her head until she says stop. Just like I dressed my little guys in smocked clothes and john boy jumpers until the ease of using the potty became more important.

I am not a fool to think that Elliana will be this super girl. I am not a fool to think that she will never get dirty, never run through my house, never shout or burp louder than her brothers. That she will not dig up worms, enjoy to go fishing, or even like boys. I will love her no matter what. That is the joy in parenting, for us. We receive these little blessings from heaven and we nurture and love them until God calls us or them home.

But for now, I admit, I am loving the frills. The pink. The flowers. The chandelier in her room (which is painted green by the way, not pink). I am enjoying putting bows on her that are bigger than her head. Just as I enjoy nursing her, snuggling her, reading to her, rocking her, holding her close to my heart, and telling her stories of the night I met her in a hospital far away from home.

For almost two months I have stared at this face that is embedded in my heart. I have watched her brothers feed her. I have watched her nap on the couch snuggled up in her father's arms. I have seen her Aunt kiss her tiny face and count her precious toes. I have watched as each morning three boys trapse in our bedroom to seek our her smiles. To wish her good morning. To hug her goodnight. To remember her birthmother and family in their prayers.

People can say what they want. They will anyway. I don't mind. I've waited ten years to have a girl child in my home. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy every minute of it. Just like I did with her brothers. Because we love them all. No matter what.

The unknown

The middle part of our journey was almost the most painful part. To leave the hospital with an infant that is yours in your heart but not legally is almost gut wrenching. Although we were considered Elliana's guardians, we knew she was not yet ours. One more hurdle needed to be jumped and as we got closer to it, our faith was tested once again.

We took Elliana to the hotel with us on Tuesday. Stopping earlier that morning to buy her a car seat and stroller and some essentials, it still did not click with us that we would be bringing her home. The birthmother was not medically discharged, and we had paperwork that needed to be signed. Tuesday night was restless with me up ever hour and a half to nurse or bottle feed this child of my heart. Wednesday dawned and we found out that our birth mom would be discharged that day. We wandered the streets of Balboa Island, shopping and talking around the topic foremost in our minds.

Everyone had a comment about our sweet baby. It was wonderful to see that everyone could see the angel that she is, but we took their congrats with an ounce of pain. She was not yet truly ours. Later at the hotel we found out that the mom did not sign at discharge, did not want to sign the next day but may be available to sign on Friday. I fell completely apart. Dave fell completely apart. We could still not fully exhale. Through my tears I called our worker. As tears streamed down, I prayed. Dave knelt with our heart child in his arms and prayed. In my heart of hearts I knew that God did not bring us to this child to take her away. "He brought you to this, He will get you through this." I kept hearing that mantra in my head. Placing my faith back to God, I took a deep breath and told Dave. "She is ours. This is just a hoop. We have jumped hoops all the time through this. God will see us through." Then the phone rang.

It was our caseworker explaining that our birthmom was too tired to sign today, I completely understood. She had just had major surgery. She did not want to sign on Thursday because our worker had a dr's appt and could not be there, and she wanted her with her. So she said she would meet and sign on Friday at 11:30. Then later it changed to 3:00 due to witness complications.

Dave left on Thursday. It was hard on both of us knowing the unknown could still happen, but grabbing ahold of our faith with both hands, we went on. I muddled through the day on my own. Friday dawned with a few hopeful tears and many prayers from around the world. Never have I been so humbled than by the prayers that poured in for us and our daughter. Friends, patients, aquantances, family, everyone seemed to have us on their mind and bringing our daughter home on their hearts. And many prayers for a young woman who was giving the biggest sacrifice of all. I hope to always remember that feeling of being surrounded by prayer. Circles and circles surrounded us, protected us.

I took Elliana to the Adoption Agency and met the men and women behind the scenes. Such a precious moment as the reassured me all was going as planned and soon, she would truly be ours. Back at the hotel, I took Elliana for a walk along the bay around the time that our birthmother would be signing.

As we were leaving the hotel a woman stopped me. "Oh, your baby is beautiful! How old is she?" "Six days." "Wow~! You look great! How are you feeling?" "Emotional. We are adopting her and the birthmother will be signing paperwork soon." The woman made the sign of a cross over Elliana and I. With a smile she said.."Never fear, that paperwork will be signed. This baby is your daughter. May God always Bless her, and you." A calm came over me. Another sign. Thank you, God!

As Elliana and I walked along the bay waiting for the call that all was complete, I thought back upon the journey that got us to that day. How in early September of 2011 Dave brought up adopting. Out of the blue. We had our phone consult a few weeks later. Then bought a van. Then signed on. Our profiles went live mid October, weeks before projected. Our home study started Nov 4 and was completed in less than 5 weeks. Beyond quick. We were officially just waiting by December. Pass along cards went out in January. We were matched with our birthmom on my birthday, Feb 1, 2012. Our daughter was born on Feb 19, 2012. Papers were signed Feb 24, 2012. I brought our daughter home to complete our family Feb 29, 2012. An emotional roller coaster for such a short paper pregnancy.

As you know, our paperwork was signed. Communication guidelines were set, ICPC paperwork was sent out, and we were finally able to come home. To our boys. To be a complete family once again. Our missing link was found and brought to us by God. Every step of the way I was reminded that when I truly let go, and let God, amazing things happen. Once again, I was thankful to walk out on that limb of faith and to wait for the blessing God would bestow upon us. Elliana Marie....The Lord has responded......

So many emotions go into this adoption journey. Almost 2 weeks ago we frantically made our way to California to meet our new daughter. She was born my c-section in the late hours of Sunday night and I fought my way to her almost all day Monday. After weeks of waiting, planning, making sure the boys were well taken care of and people were lined up to do my Mommy duties, the time was here! It was nothing like the movies protray. Once I finally made it to Orange County Airport, waited in line for a rental car, rushed to the hotel (that I could not find and drove around forever to locate), and finally made it to the hospital, I was not allowed to see my baby. Oh, I could look through the glass window to the next room and see her pink and blue hat, but I could not get in there with her! After 30 minutes of talking to the charge nurse (who was Asian with a thick accent I could barely understand and very rule bound, she only showed a slip of her hard core nursing facade when I cried that all I wanted was MY BABY!) and hunting down someone in administration, the "adoptive mom" was finally able to get a band to see the baby! On my way to the nursery, I was told that Dave would not be able to have a band or see his daughter. He would have to stand outside the glass window and gaze at her that way. Only the bio mom, me, and bio grandma could have bands. Not the Dad? I threw a complete meltdown fit. The charge nurse was unmoved...the administrator was. Thankfully. Dave would not get a band, but he would be able to see her, and the next day we could be given a room so he could be with her. Tears are good.

I was so worried to see her. What would I think? I've had three children so I knew kinda what to expect, but this was not a child I felt move in my belly. This was not a child that I bonded to through dreams as I rested my hand upon my swollen body. What would I feel? Anything? The moment I picked her up and she snuggled into my shoulder, I knew this was my child. The child of my heart. As I gazed down upon her sweet face, she was looking up at me. It took me 18 hours to get to her side. Rocking her, feeding her, and checking out her fingers and toes, I knew this little girl and I would have quite a journey ahead of us. I didn't love her because I had to. I loved her because I knew God had hand picked her for us. He knew what my heart needed and this sweet 6lb 10oz dark headed angel just fit into that slot in my heart that had been empty. Finally.

Through that night and the next day Dave and I were able to meet with Elliana's birthmom. We were able to ask questions, get a feel for her heart, and she was able to rest easy knowing that we would love our daughter through thick or thin. One thing that broke my heart and showed the innocence of her youth is that she could not understand why it took me so long to get to the baby's side. She thought that we may have changed our minds and no longer wanted her. After I explained my crazy day of leaving my boys, driving to the airport, two flights, one long layover, dashing for the car, the room, the hospital...I got there as quickly as I could from Illinois to California. She smiled, deeply sighed, and we talked of other things.

I want Elliana to know that her mother was very sad to let her go. That she loved her the only way she knew how. She tried to take good care of her while she was in her belly. Truly, I believe she did the best she could. Sometimes there are things and people in our lives that help us make wrong decisions. Elliana's mom gave us one of the 4 greatest gifts in our lives. We are eternally grateful to her and will always let Elliana know that as well.

Dave did get to hold his daughter that night. He loved her right away. I think in his heart, he knew that things had gone so well for us, that this child was our destiny. We were able to have a room to bond with her more as we went through the discharge information. And finally, I was put into a wheelchair and taken out of the hospital. I entered empty wombed and empty armed. I left with a daughter and a full heart. Sometimes life surprises me.