Christmas Time

Our little one is now 10 months old. She is growing and thriving and we are finally breathing a little easier. She is meeting all developmental milestones. I'm no longer panicked that something is wrong. I am finally more relaxed and not trying to rush in every life experience into tiny short months. This is our daughter. She is here to stay.

Last year she was our "maybe baby." A child we hoped and prayed for. This year, she is here and a part of us. I still, at times, find it hard to believe I am the mom to four.

Through my life, I have always tried to give people hope. To show them that life is ok the way you're handed it. And if you find it not so, then you can work and find a way to change it. When I look at my daughter, I want her to know this as well.

At Christmas, I tend to reflect upon things that have had an impact on my life. Going to college, graduating from grad school, meeting Dave, moving away, marriage, my family of origin, my boys, the life we have built together, and the daughter we have added. I don't pretend to have all of the answers. I know I never will.

As our family has grown, I have looked back on the years and cherished each time we have expanded. This Christmas is no different. It's still amazing to me that you can be a family unit of a certain number one year and swell to encompass a new person by the time the next year rolls around. And each time, that person just seems to fit. When we had just two boys, I could see where another person would be in the family picture. Then there were three. For a long time, that is all I could see. But last year, I knew right where another person would go. Where she would fit. And this year, there were four. I'm scared to look at the picture for fear I will see five, or six!

I know we are blessed beyond measure. I know that I have my hearts every desire. And I'm grateful. And humbled. I know I disappointed a lot of people when we chose to pursue adoption. I was to be the poster child for gender disappointment. I was to prove that you can be happy with what you don't have. And I was. But I always held that longing for a daughter in addition to my boys. That was never a secret. I lived my life to the fullest with my boys, but I still held that desire. And now I hold her in my arms. For now, at this Christmas, our family is complete.

Still the same, but different.

My mind swirls with how much difference a year can make. One.Short.Year. How we went from being a family of 5 to a family of 6 without missing a beat. As our finalization comes closer, I ache for the loss of one family but am joyous for the addition to our own. Adoption is such a conflicting state of mind. You are beyond estatic to add this person to your family. Whether an infant or an older child, yet you are devestated that someone had to lose out. Whether it be a young mother, or the child himself who may have not had the best of beginnings.

Sometimes we look at Elliana and we remember February 1, 2012 when the agency called and asked if we were interested in this situation. We cannot believe how God protected our child. We are not surprised, merely in awe. How this little being came from such a disasterous start, yet is perfect and on target in every way. I can remember Dave pouring over Elliana's mom's medical record and just shaking his head. But we trusted God's plan for us and moved forward. I sometimes think about if we had said no, it was too much of a risk, and what we would have missed out on.

On October 17, 2012, Elliana Marie will become an Asbery legally. It is a day that will put on paper what our hearts have known for almost 8 months. This is our daughter. This is the child that was not from my body, but from my heart and soul. This is the child we waited for but did not know would exist.

I'm a boy mom. I know boys. I adore boys. I champion boys. I will ALWAYS be a boy mom. My boys made me a mom first. They taught me so much and I adore them. It's been a weird adjustment to say 'Kids' instead of 'Boys.' Sometimes I flounder in the middle ground of always being a boy mom to now being a mixed gender mom. Only someone that has walked this road would get that saying. Once you are an all one gender parent, in your mind, you always are. But one small girl changed that for us.

I have not left all of my disappointment feelings at the door. Having Elliana has not given me rose colored glasses. I still remember the hurtful comments from others. The same as a person with fertility issues does not forget those feelings of not getting pregnant even when they do conceive or adopt. They are still a part of me, of those of us who have walked this road. I sometimes feel it is important to let people know that. For all of my bravo at being a boy mom. For writing ALTERED DREAMS. For challenging the venacular of people who want to gender stereotype. I'm still that person. I still do those things. I still feel those things.

Yes, I now say 'kids' and have a daughter, but those experiences that made me who I am, the mother I am, the woman I am, they are still there. I am beyond thankful for the experience to raise a daughter with my boys. It is all I ever wanted. But I'm still me.

Emotional ties to a month.

There are a few months of the year that bring memories for me. The months we conceived our children, the months they were born. The month we were married. The months that hold my birthday and Dave's. My parents and siblings birthdays and anniversaries. These are happy events. Times that bring remembering fondly the joy and laughter that have been brought into my life. A good looking back.

September used to bring horrible memories. Of being on a romantic trip to Paris. On a plane headed home. Of being re routed and not allowed to return to the US. Of a 5 day stay in Holland, lightyears away from our small son and our families. The attacks of the US of 9/11 were forever etched in my mind. I can still lay awake late at night and see a slide show of that horrible day where so many were lost and our lives were changed forever.

But now that blow of 9/11 has been cushioned by another day in September. A day where my world once again shifted on it's axis. A day I had prayed for but never believed would happen. Sitting on our back deck, Dave told me he thought he could adopt a daughter one day. Words I never thought I would ever hear floated away on the wind of our backyard. I will never be able to describe the feelings of that day, much like another day ten years before. And just like that, a ball that God had put into motion long ago, began to pick up speed.

On September 20, 2011, we had our first phone contact meeting with our adoption agency, Adoption Network Law Center. A call that would change our lives. A call that was gut wrenching, hopeful, and yet full of disbelief. One step towards a little girl in our family. The first step that would be added to so many more that would show me the greatness of our God through prayer, support, and faith unseeing. And a ton of paperwork.

This past year has been my biggest walk of faith. From a dream of a daughter with my second pregnancy, to whispered words of 'Not in your time, but my time' five years later. The resounding voice in my head that told me this was MY time, never left my side. Our God is a faithful God. His plan is perfect. When I let go, God stepped in. I know what a blessing this answered dream is, because so many do not get it. And I feel unworthy but so very grateful.

A month that held such grief, as well as the joy of my sister in law, Johnna's birthday, now brings amazement to me. Looking back to the gamet of emotions felt. The fear, the hope, the renewed trust in my husband as each hoop that needed jumped, he was first in line for. The telling of people that we were doing this awesome thing, and their reactions. The people who didn't agree, those who burst into tears, and those who were in constant prayer and vigilance with us. And the waiting to meet a small girl who was so unknown in the physical world, but already part of our family in my heart.

One year ago I would have never guessed the things I would learn. About my husband, about our boys, about myself and my family. I would have never suspected the comforting feeling of knowing friends were praying near and far for us to be unified with a small soul. That our hopes and dreams would be carried heavenward by so many people who wished this wish for us. With us. For although at times I was discouraged and fearful and cried, I have never felt so protected and loved. I will never forget how this small child was prayed over by a villiage, long before we knew of her existence. And how although at times my steps faltered, I never stoped walking by faith and not by sight.

October 4, 2011, we signed with ANLC and began our journey in earnest. And many of you know how the story goes. Our profiles went live sooner than expected. In ten days instead of the 21 they quoted. We started our home study on Nov 4, 2011 and it was completed five weeks later. Before Christmas we were given an ornament that had six names on it. A dream realized by others. Proof our daughter was on her way. Wherever she was. Little did we know that across the US in November, a young mother sought medical care for her pregnancy for the first time in an ER. And that she would visit that ER again in December. And in January she would contact the very agency we were signed up with. And talk to the same people who knew our desires and dreams. We had no idea last September that on my birthday in February we would be matched with that brave young lady who carried our destiny in her womb. A young lady that we grew to love even before we met her daughter.

I'm glad I didn't know how the journey would go. Only the belief that it would unfold as it should. The opportunity to have a daughter in our lives was enough on that day. It was more than I ever had before. My 4 1/2 month paper pregnancy began this month a year ago. And unbelievably, our daughter sleeps upstairs.

For those who walked this walk with us, Supported us, Prayed for us, Rejoiced with us, Prayed for us some more, went to the steps of your churches and asked God to hear your prayers and ours, and never lost YOUR faith, we thank you. We could not have walked this path alone.

Little Did I Know.......

Ten years ago on this day, a Saturday, my mom and I took Kadin across the street from our house in Alabama to another subdivision to pick blackberries. Little did I know that all of the pictures from that day would be lost the next day. We did not have a digital camera so everything was on film that was overexposed the next day. Little did I know how important my mother's prescence would be at that time in my life. A small son at home, almost 37 weeks pregnant with my second son. Little did I know when I tucked Kadin into bed that night that it would be his last night as our only child. Ten years ago today was my last day of being pregnant with our second son. Our last child we believed. Little did we know what God had in store for our lives! Little did I know that although we moved from NC to Alabama the year before, that was not where we would call home.

Sometimes I wonder what we would do with life's information if we lived in knowing those steps ahead. Would I have been more into this second son if I knew a third would one day arrive? Would I have put so much time and effort into a nursery if I knew in six months we would leave it? Would I have worried so much about how I would love a second child if I knew we would later add a third, and then a fourth? Little did I know about life in June of 2002.

Tomorrow marks our second son's birthday. Obviously. :) Cullen came into this world a few short months after the happenings of 9/11. Shoving his way into this world three weeks early was a glimpse into his personality. Little did I know I would not have time for pain meds when my water broke early on Sunday morning. The Dr. tried to give me some IV relief but it was too little too late. He was an amazing man. Compassionate and caring. He stood outside my delivery room so upset he couldn't help me more with the pain of giving natural childbirth. Little did I know he would be dead two weeks later of lung cancer. I wish I had told him again how much his quiet support meant.

Cullen's birth was traumatic. Not in the sense that bad things happened, but in retrospect, that they could have. Lucky for me I had my OB dr there, and my OB husband who could communicate over a pregnant belly with only exchanged looks. Cullen was too big for my pelvic region but we had no idea. Born at 7lbs 3oz, his head arrived but the rest of his body could not come out. Little did I know as my OB broke out into a sweat and my husband threw his arm across my belly to help me get our little man out, that I was in danger. Poor Cullen had a dislocated arm, was bruised and swollen, and I broke every blood vessel in my eyes getting him out. I looked like death for weeks.

The amazing thing, after the baby comes out, the pain does totally go away. Thank goodness. 13 minutes after giving birth, I was on the phone with the cord blood bank to come and get Cullen's cord blood. I think my Dr. headed to the nearest bar for a drink. ;)

At the time, I did not know what to expect with my life of two boys. I didn't know how hard it would be to connect with my second son. I didn't know how much he would change my life. For a child who shoved his way into this world, Cullen also shoved his way into my heart. Now, I cannot imagine life without my sweet natured, sensitive, hilarious little man. Little did I know how fiercely I would defend him.

Cullen's name is Gaelic and means handsome. With his golden eyes and ready smile, he truly is a child of my heart. He is the child most like me at times, and other times so much unlike me. He is the child who made me see raising brothers is the biggest gift of my lifetime. He taught me that everyone in the playground needs to be included, even those we would not actively choose to join in our small circle. Cullen has taught me to bend down and examine bugs, to look up and see the clouds. He sees every rainbow after the storm, and the other side to every story. He has a compassion in him that brings me to my knees. He has a love for God that makes me feel small. He gets his feelings hurt so quickly and easily that I have to constantly be on the lookout for how I say things, and on the defense for anyone who inadvertantly steps on his toes. He is the child I most worry about because he is so directly effected by what goes on in the world. Worrying constantly for others. Putting up walls so that he can protect himself. I will go to the ends of the Earth for this child. I will stand up against any force that tries to change him, and does not appreciate the gift that he is. I have done it before. I'm sure I will do it again. He is my second son and I adore him.

Little did I know, 10 years ago, on this day before Cullen's birth, how I, myself, would change with the birth of my second son. And I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad I can only see three steps in front of me. Because I may not have stepped up to the challenge so readily. I may not have shifted my thinking. And I may have missed out on one of the greatest gifts of my life. Thank you, Cullen McKee, for choosing me. I love you to the moon and back. Always. Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

In a few short weeks we will be attending a family reunion in NH. I love these get togethers every 3 years, even if I am unable to attend  some in between. Seeing your traits reflected in people who walk every different path of life is amazing. To have a connection with people who's lives intertwine yours is wonderful. Last time, I introduced my third son to my extended family. This year, I will introduce my daughter.

I am eagerly waiting to place her in my cousin Gay's arms. Why? Because she was my most favorite cousin growing up. We had the most fun together. She bought me a Worlds Favorite Cousin pin once and I wore it with such pride. Gay shares something wonderful with Elliana as well. Gay was adopted into our family when she was four years old. And all of my life, I have seen how Gay was treated. As one of us. Because she is. There was never any distiction of her being adopted, unless Gay brought it up. I've known it my whole life but it has never made me think of her any differently than my favorite cousin. I cannot wait to see the love shining for our daughter in her eyes, just as there has been for each of our sons.

When I think back on these reunions, I remember how I missed the one after Kadin was born. My grandmother had died shortly before we were to go, and it was too painful on my father to attend. Instead, he visited with us and we tried to think of other things. We did go to the next one in Atlanta with two boys in tow. This was also the first time my family met Dave. Each time we get together, we celebrate new life, and reflect on those who have passed. This year, my sons will miss their Aunt Debbie, Gay's mom, who was greeted in Heaven not long ago. Shortly after she knew Elliana was in our arms. How I wish I could have sat one more time, adoptive mom to adoptive mom, and asked my Aunt Debbie some questions.

As the months pass, I realize what a journey we are on. Each child brings his own story to our lives. Each pregnancy made it's own impact. And our journey with Elliana is no different. The paper pregnancy with her touched us. Her being a part of us makes us connected to a whole different aspect of life that we never truly understood. Straddling both the bio and the adoptive world is interesting. I live each day with my eyes wide open.

Almost nine months ago we started exploring this road we are on. Just NINE months ago we started discussing adoption. We talked to friends, we did some internet searches. We talked to our boys. Last year, we lived through the summer without even knowing how this year would be changing us. We built a cabin with three bunk beds. We were incomplete and didn't realize it completely. Nine months ago my husband mentioned that he would like to look into adopting a daughter. To fulfill a dream I had for our life. To parent both genders. Little did we know where we would end up.

Today, Elliana is four months old. We are waiting to finish our last two post placement visits. We are completing paperwork for court. We will know next month when our finalization date will be. If all goes as scheduled, we will finalize our adoption after an eleven month journey. Almost to the date we decided TO adopt. That will never cease to amaze me.

That amazement I expect to see reflected in my family's eyes. Our "maybe baby" is here, thriving, and capturing all of our hearts with her existance. :)

As Mother's Day quickly approaches, I would be remiss to not mention a young woman who will always hold a special place in our hearts. Elliana's birthmom. A courageous and fearless 19 year old who gave birth by c-section to her first child and then waited 18 long hours for us to arrive at the hospital to meet her. A tearful young woman who was scared to meet us, but yet she did and we fell in love with her heart and soul. A fiesty young woman who's personality I see reflected in our young daughter every day. A young woman who won't say no, who won't let life beat her down, and who made one of the most heart wrenching decisions of her short life on Feb 24, 2012 when she signed her rights away and made Elliana our daughter.

We sent a card to her, after searching and searching. There are no cards at Halmark that express your graditude. There are no cards that say exactly what it means to hold this child that grew in your heart long before she was held in your arms. There are no cards to tell a young woman who gave us one of the four greatest gifts of our lives to us just how much she means to us.

So, I found the best I could and included some pictures of this special girl in hopes that her birthmom will know how dear both of them are to us.

If you know a birthmom, let her know how much you love her. Wish her a Happy Mother's Day from all of her children. For just because she may not hold that child in her arms, she does in her heart, and her body carries the scars of that child's birth. Forever.

Every month when I take Elliana to get her "month-day" pictures taken, she wears this bracelet. It says Forever in My Heart and it has a tag with her birthmom's name on it. Her birthmom has a necklace that matches with Elliana's name on it. I cannot act like this other woman does not exist. For without her, my family would be incomplete. Without her, my sons wouldn't have a sister. My husband wouldn't have his Daddy's little girl. And I wouldn't have my Dream Come True.

Happy Mother's Day, Destiny. As I told you not so long ago, you were our destiny and we love you!

Mother's Day

So many mixed emotions as I approach Mother's Day this year. For almost 13 years I have been an all boy mom. I have greeted Mother's Day with total joy at my children, and sometimes hatred at the Mother/Daughter events that seem to evolve this time of year. So many times I would be invited to a Mother/Daughter tea and feel that gut wrenching stab in the gut. Or a Mother/Daughter banquet at church. It was my mission to educate that not everything in life was to surround mothers and daughters. What of our sons?

I am thankful to myself that I never shied away from speaking up. A women's banquet should not be titled Mother/Daughter banquet. Mother's Day pictures should not depict ONLY mothers and daughters. Moms are moms to BOYS too. Especially me. I am a fierce boy mom. Don't try me.

So why is it that people think this year will be any different? That this year will be a Mother's Day beyond all Mother's Days because I now have a daughter? Instinctively, I get defensive. I know it. I never want my boys to think they have been displaced by thier sister. Is it because people think I finally hit the jackpot? Or is it simply that people know the journey we have traveled to add this little being to our family. Boy OR Girl. I don't know. No one ever said that to me after adding a second or third son, so I am to believe that it's because I now have a girl child.

Will this be the best mother's day ever? Maybe. Or Maybe last years was (although I can't remember what we did). Or maybe next years will be (because I'll be sleeping through the night, hopefully!). I don't know. I just know that for 12 years I have been extremely lucky to have a little person (or two, or three, or four!) in my home that calls me Momma. So for the past 12 years, I have had the best Mother's Days ever because I get to gather my little men close and revel in the fact that God entrusted me with these three perfect beings. This year I get to add little miss to that hug.

Am I grateful? Absolutely. Is our family complete. Yes. Do I cringe at Mother/Daughter connotations anymore?  Not so much. Am I looking forward to years with my children? Yes. And the reason that this Mother's Day will be the best one yet? Because my family has grown by 2 more feet. There is more love in our home. And my arm reach around my children expanded. I am truly blessed.

In my life, I know there are five things I have done right. I married my husband and we have four amazing children to share our lives with. Yep, that makes Mother's Day complete.

May you all have The Best Mother's Day Ever!