Letting Go

I'm a type A personality. I like to do things myself. I dislike asking for help, but love when others ask me. This is so unbalanced, I know. It's not like asking for help is a weakness. It's a strength in knowing your own limitations. So why can't I seem to do it?? Through cancer's touch, I am learning to Let Go.

As the rush to get all things together for my surgery, and to make sure the kids are taken care of, I am constantly touched by those around me. The quick notes from friends. The silent hugs. The quiet prayers in the car (I'm always in the car it seems). It is the offers to help that still stop me in my tracks. It takes all I have to accept. Yes, that would be great if you provided meals. It will help take the stress off of my mother. Yes, I would really appreciate if next week you pick the boys up from school and drop them off at home. It will make things easier for my heart. Yes, mom and dad, I need you here. For an undetermined amount of time. Such things are hard to swallow, but a necessity. It is hard to Let Go.

I try to talk to myself about it. What would I tell a friend who was going through this? I would tell them to let others show their love for them by helping. I would tell her to be gentle with herself. To take time to heal. That needing down time and support is a strength to lean on, not a weakness to be avoided. I would remind her of all the people she has been there for, and that they want to return the favor, and show her they love her. I would tell her to Let Go. So, I try. I am trying.

I'm letting go that I have cancer. That God's will has already been written in my healing process long before I knew my diagnosis. That He has patiently guided me and placed others in my way, like a pin ball game. It feels that my life is darting here and there, bumping into other lives that have walked this path, but in reality, there is a set destination. And God wrote it into the tapestry of my life. I trust in His will in my life. I know He will heal me. Of this, I have no doubt. So then, why is the road so difficult? Why is calling the American Cancer Society to ask for help with a leisure bra seem like a failure? That I  have admitted there is something I couldn't do for myself. Only to have the kind voice on the other end share her own battle with cancer. Uplifted, I will have a bra, a book, and a pillow to help me through the next few weeks. Ask, and you shall receive. Let Go and let God.

I'm thinking maybe this will be a good addition to my personality. More of a humbleness. Instead of thinking I should be all things to all people and do all things myself, I can Let Go. Already I have missed two engagements I was looking forward to only because they seemed so hard to follow through on. So I declined. That was hard. Hard to admit I wasn't on top of my game. Hard to admit I was having a hard time. Hard to admit I was fighting with Letting Go.

My high school English teacher had a poem on her bulletin board when I was a senior in high school. It talked about how we are like small children with a broken toy. We take it to God to fix, but we become impatient when it isn't fixed right away. We stew. And hem and haw. And finally, we grab it back, thinking we can fix it better, faster, and that God must not care because He didn't fix it in our worldly time frame. When in reality, we never Let Go and let God completely have our problem so He could show us it was already mended. I'm trying to remember this and to Let Go. To know that God has my cancer by the hand and will protect me. He already has. I just have to be patient and Let Go.........