Middle Ground

How can I describe the experience, of being driving almost 2 hours away to a doctors appointment in the back seat with my father driving. How automatically when Daddy comes around, I become his little girl again. Talking about his cancer and mine, another vein that connects the two of us. We still don't know the status of my lymph nodes and it seems to be hanging over us, like a dark cloud that swells with oncoming rain.

Sitting on Aztec like furniture at the plastic surgeon's office. Biding our time by talking about the boys and their athletic interests. And the phone rings.  I have forgotten to turn it off when I entered the doctor's office. That is a big no no as 'Back Where I Come From' blares from my purse. I contemplate not answering but on a whim I do. And the soft, kind voice on the other side has the power to give me hope, or to take it away. And she starts talking with "I have good news, your lymph nodes were not contaminated......" Big breath out. Big breath in.

I did not realize how much I was anticipating this call, those words. As I am lead back to the examination room, I can feel tears form and start to fall. Oh, how I have such little faith!! When I knew I had cancer, I prayed for God's guidance. To be a pillar for my family. An example to my friends. To walk the walk so that maybe, someone, somewhere, would see it and be drawn to God. To use my battle to inspire others to dedicate their lives to God. To strengthen their relationship with Him. To use me, but make me be ok. I knew that although I had cancer, that all would be fine in the end. The journey would be hard, but I would walk with His hand in mine. Yet, at times, I wavered. At times, I was frightened of what could be. Of losing my life. Of not being around to see my children grow. To not grow old with my husband. To fail. I believed God would heal me, but I was still, so afraid.

I know I have a long road of healing ahead of me. I know I have many more doctor's appointments to attend, other surgeries to live through, medication that will put me into menopause and all that comes with that. I know this is not the end. This is the middle....where I refused to go before. At the beginning it was, I have cancer. I need a plan to get rid of it. I made a plan. Fast forward to the end. And it is gone! But now the middle ground has to be done. The healing. The long road of picking myself up, dusting off, and moving on to life after cancer.

I am humbled by the support of hundreds of you. Friends of friends, complete strangers, new friends, old friends....everyone. It brings me to my knees to see what people will do for me. How I am so unworthy! I have felt the comfort of your prayers since the first moments I became one woman out of eight. I have been lifted up, held, supported, and encouraged every step of the way. I have no words for the cards, the gifts, the flowers, the food, the picking up of my children, the phone conferences so I don't have to go in to the school, the thoughts, the texts, the emails, and the unending prayers. I can never thank you all enough. I simply will say Thanks. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring about my family. Thank you for supporting my husband. Thank you for watching over my children. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I am wildly blessed and very undeserving.

Now I'll get back to the middle ground. Concentrating on healing so I can once again hold my daughter close, hug my boys with wild abandon, and place my arms around my husband and friends. And now it's my turn to pray for others that cancer has in it's ugly grasp. So that I may walk years from now with my Forever Sisters. Women in a club that I would have never wanted to join, but now that I have, I can't live without them.

Onward!